Been a Year

Woah, been over a year since my last post. I'm still in therapy, still battling depression, though the PTSD rears its ugly head less often, the meds seem to be helping. I'm still on sprintek and I've started zoloft in the past year, which also seems to be helping.

I've been pulling away from Katie lately. She's flighty, scattered, and only seems to want me around when she needs me for something, like driving a long distance. I've tried talking to her and she always says that I'm reading too much into something. Doesn't seem fair, I work my butt off to allow myself to trust enough for a friendship and this happens?

Honestly, it seems that no one really wants me, I'm just there for convenience. I mean, out side of work, I don't have a life. Certainly no real time for a social life. The little time I do have is wasted when people change plans last minute on me. I gave up making plans with Katie. Its an exercise in futility.

Sucky Saturday-- an email to my therapist

Hey, Doc.

Its 8.20p on Saturday, and it has been one hell of a day... I'm still not stable, though my hands have stopped shaking. Do I start at the beginning or the most interesting?

Woke at about 1am to a strange dream then couldn't get back to sleep. Alarm went off at 5a and I scrambled to get ready for early morning service, only to remember that on Saturday's it starts at 7a, not 6a. Next I had a woman who sucks at planning make the reception after a memorial way more complicated for me than it needed to be. The reception was a blast... guess who had a panic attack? Yep! This girl. OH!! And guess who's meds aren't strong enough? Yep, me again. You're so good at this game, Doc.

But wait there's more! There was a second gathering this evening. I went from a panic attack that lasted,  in varying degrees, about an hour and a half. I had enough time to go home, shower, make coffee, then leave for the next one. I couldn't eat anything beyond a small piece of chicken and a small salad.

Right now I am fighting the overwhelming urge to scream. This day has exhausted the hell out of me. And I get to start it over again tomorrow? Tired, edgy, and a headache from crying all day. I hate these damned attacks. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want it back...

I tried breathing, over thinking items (that actually helped some). I now know that the grip on my Bubba mug has ten dots down and 14 around.

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Am I going to have to remember all this forever, all these little tricks? I don't want to live this way, this isn't living... its just converting oxygen and nitrogen into carbon dioxide. I scheduled an extra appt this week. I know I need it, though I hope you don't mind.

See you Tuesday...

I Don't Even Know

I'm not even sure how I'm feeling tonight. Numb, I suppose is the best answer. I want to injure, but that isn't a good idea. Why injure? Because I feel numb and tired and need to feel something!

I told TG about the PTSD diagnosis. She was lovely when I asked her if I could call her when I feel panicked. While she doesn't know about the self harming, or at least I've never told her, she does know about the depression and now the PTSD. I'm a bit edgy about that, though I know its only a diagnosis and not a sentence.

In an earlier post, I believe I rant for a while about my nightmares. If not, here's a bit of my thought process: The  nightmares don't make sense. I dream that I'm bound in some way: tied to a chair, locked in a room, hanging from a ceiling. And I'm being tortured for information that I either do or do not have. I've been beaten, electrocuted, tasered, and burned with cigars/cigarettes in my nightmares.

With the diagnosis of PTSD, the nightmares make sense. Its an emotion that connects them all, feeling trapped against my will. Being hyper-vigilant in crowds, or even at the mall or grocers, makes perfect sense when you add in the PTSD. Before I couldn't make a logical connection to the nightmares. But when I connect my past and the trauma of it all then it works. Its a relief in a way.

I'm edgy and tired and going to bed soon. I'll worry about work later and the season ending.

Stresses of the Life

So many things going on that I really don't care to deal with. I have to go to the welfare office tomorrow to apply for food stamps again. The last time I went it took an hour, time before? Three hours. I hate going through all the hoops for this! Its stressful and makes me angry, urgy.

On Tuesday, I have an appointment, we're discussing diagnosis this time. She mentioned that she thought I may have PTSD, and I want to discuss that more. Honestly, its a bit scary for me. PTSD is not an illness that has "popularity" around here. Of course, most people lump it with the soldiers that return half crazy. I was never in that type of traumatic event. I suppose though, having trauma over a long period of time can result in a mild form of the illness. I won't know more until Tuesday.

I haven't been sleeping well, but when do I ever. Tired, chilled, depressed. I want to scream or injure right now and I have no valid reason as to why. So exhausted I want to cry. I'm actually rather jealous of TG, she can cry and feel better emotionally. I can't and I wish I could.

Damn It

Stressed out. I'm fighting to not cry, or scream. My parents don't know what to do. Mum offered to have Dad go and get me a beer. the last thing is alcohol. Of course, what I'm craving is something that I cannot have either. I want to harm so bad, just to calm my brain.  I have a blade nearby, so at least I have the comfort of the knowledge that its nearby.

Right now, I'm using deep breathing to try and calm myself. Its not really working. Next, I'll be cross stitching, maybe that will help. I just need to keep my mind busy on somethng productive. I'm just tired and edgy and screaming in my head.

Damn it....
Damn it all.