Request From the Doc

So today, Doc asked if I thought it might be helpful to myself if I let her see my scars. Really see them, not just the glances that I'm sure she's gotten. Honestly, I think it might be time. The thought alone makes me edgy and slightly panicked, I've never really offered to or allowed someone to see the scars. Nightengale is the exception. Maybe it would be helpful, to her and to me.

You see, self harm has become this huge secret that gets in my way. Maybe by allowing her in a little more, it'll help me to be more open in general? Am I scared? Yes. Am I willing to try something new? Yes. Do I think it'll help? I'm not so sure, but willing to try.

Honestly, the scars, while mentioned, are not address directly. Feels like an elephant in the room that I don't want to think about, which of course makes me think about it more. I think that showing her will take away some of the guilt or shame in hiding.

All right... here goes. Next week, I'll show her my scars. God... did I just say that? Must have done, I feel slightly nauseous. And a bit light headed. But there it is, I said it, I'll do it.

"You Don't Deserve It"

At least, that's what the therapist says. Anger is something I always have to deal with, not easy. I tend to turn such an emotion onto myself in an effort to protect others. My arms tell the story of loosing my temper. I grew up with the phrase, "good girls don't loose their temper, good girls are ladies, good girls don't shout." To this day, I think those same things every time I loose my temper. It only makes it worse.

The thing is, sometimes I feel that I do deserve it, every single scar. Lost my temper, failed at whatever, lost jobs, no money, over stressing when I should be calm. I don't process anger well, so I tend to injure when I loose that temper. I know that its self punishment. Logically, I realize that I don't deserve it, but you try arguing with my subconcious.

This was the topic today, but I feel it should be gone further into at a later date.

Such a Liar...

Well that last post was about as vague as it gets. I was in California attending a convention that would start the next day. I was already stressing out and getting edgy. The next day, I had an anxiety attack that lasted about an eternity in 30 minutes. It was great...

On to the next bit of news. TG is my friend, I love her. I'll defend her and protect her as best I can, when I can. I feel like I'm lying to her every time she asks me how I'm doing. I haven't told her about my harming, that may never a topic a broach. Still, I feel badly that a person that has become such a part of my life is someone I lie to almost daily. We text all the time, spend hours at a time together. We're friends, sisters in every way that matters.

As if I don't feel guilty enough about hurting myself, add to that the guilt of lying by omission and I feel horrid every time I see her. I felt the same with Nightengale.

"How are you?" -- Great! Perfectly fine, I didn't burn today. (note: that was sarcasm) What an ass am I! What do I do? The thought of telling her makes me feel sick because I don't know if she'll tell anyone, like her husband. He's one of these that will go to elders if he feels you need the help. Sure, I need help. Why do you think I'm in therapy? TG loves her husband and he has this freakish ability to see right through a person. He's even managed to do that with me and it was damned terrifying. No one can do that with me, I'm too good at hiding.

If I tell TG, she may or may not tell her husband, either way he's going to know something is wrong. And I can't burden her with this. Its not fair. Not fair to her, I can't do that to her, put her in the middle. So I'll deal with the guilt and keep my secret.

Damn It

Stressed out. I'm fighting to not cry, or scream. My parents don't know what to do. Mum offered to have Dad go and get me a beer. the last thing is alcohol. Of course, what I'm craving is something that I cannot have either. I want to harm so bad, just to calm my brain.  I have a blade nearby, so at least I have the comfort of the knowledge that its nearby.

Right now, I'm using deep breathing to try and calm myself. Its not really working. Next, I'll be cross stitching, maybe that will help. I just need to keep my mind busy on somethng productive. I'm just tired and edgy and screaming in my head.

Damn it....
Damn it all.

Dealing With Frustration

So last Friday, I had an extra session with Doc. Along the conversation she said, "I don't know how you handle that must frustration all the time." I think her statement was rhetorical, either way I told her exactly how. I pulled up my 3/4 sleeves past the elbow and showed her a fresh burn and a couple week old cuts. "That... That is how I deal with the frustration!"

It was a flair of dramatics, something I am not prone to and that I felt the need to apologize for today. Her response was good. She was actually proud of the progress I've made. When I first started seeing her, I wouldn't say a thing about self harm even though I sought her out because of her work with it. I would talk in circles, I still do, its just not as bad.

Its not easy, carrying this with me every day. I'm tired, exhausted. I feel that there should be an end, but it seems to be going on forever. I don't feel that I have made any progress, though Doc disagrees. The secret I'm carrying seems so all-encompassing, so enormous.

Great, now I'm feeling that old foe, Depression, tugging at me with his buddies, Shame and Guilt. Screw it... I'm going to bed soon. I'll deal with this mess my life has become tomorrow.