Extra Session

I called Doc and left a message for to see if there was still an opening on her schedule last Friday. She returned my message in about a half hour, answering me with "Are you all right?" You see, I never call her, I leave emails. For me to call and request an extra session is unheard of, so of course she was worried.

When I got to her office, her face was marked with concern. I told her how I was feeling, that an extra bit of talk might help. She listened. I fought back tears like always.

"Why don't you want to cry? You always fight back tears."
"Because I'm supposed to be the strong one, because crying only ever gives me a headache and nothing more. Because I never feel that emotional release others do."

Maybe next time...

Even now, I'm still urgy. I am jonesin' for a burn. Not sure how much longer I can hold out. I've tried most of my usual distractions. Pinterest, chatroom, Avengers, blogging, reading. I'm running out of options.

I had to buy a new bra the other day, finally got one in my size and, while its comfortable, its also a great way to make me feel like a lard. Lucky me, I'm proportioned the way I am, otherwise these breasts would be way too big. Hence, why I am taking my ass to a gym, whether or not my mother wants met to.

I mentioned this to Doc as well. She's all behind me going to a gym. "Exercise releases endorphins. I think this is a great idea!" Not something that people tell me. So upon my Doc's recommendation, I'm going to a gym! I'll start Monday, loose a few pounds, hopefully get into a size 16. That's the goal.

My worry though is my mentality. It wouldn't take much for me to start going too far and wind up with an eating disorder. I already have a tentative relationship with food. I'm trying to nibble more and "eat" less. Should boost the metabolism. I'm just so sick of how I look.

Sick of how I look, sick of the scars, sick of the depression! Damn it!! I'm sick of everything. Tired, exhausted!

I'll see Doc again on Tuesday. We'll go over it all again.... Maybe it'll stop, this sick and twisted cycle of self hate.

Bad Idea

For some reason, I am feel very edgy and I do not like it. I can't seem to think straight and I feel that if I would injure then I could be stable again. This is not logical, I know that. Maybe I could take a sleeping pill and be all right? I'm not wanting to do that yet again because I had a beer earlier.

My therapist did not like it when I said that self injury is like destroying myself one bit at a time, but what else could I call it? I feel like this entire thing is one big bad idea. I feel fat and ugly. I feel manic... I don't know what to do or think right now. The whole thing is giving me a head ache. Fuck it... I'm taking the pill and going to sleep!

But Weight- There's More

I've been noticing patterns of late, especially in my eating habits. I seem almost fixated on not eating sugary things or drinking sodas, though the coffee is ever present. I keep having the same thought run through my mind, "I need to loose a few damned pounds." This has happened before, but not with the intensity of this current bout.

I have a health assessment coming up soon. Later in the year, there's a follow up assessment to see if I have improved with their recommendations. I fear that if I don't pass those assessments then I will loose a $35 credit off my health insurance. I was unaware that I was going to be forced, or better coerced, into changing how I am. I'm not fat, per se, but I could stand to loose a few pounds. My dress size is 20, but I'm 5' 11" tall, so that weight doesn't show like you'd think it would. I'm already in a poor mind set, the last thing I need is a stupid doctor telling me I'm going to die for being fat. I know I'm fat and up till very recently, I didn't care. Now I'm starting to care.

 I have also made a personal discovery of a positive nature (for once). My nightmares have been pretty bad of late, by that I mean they have been terrifying. I made a play list on my iPod that I have titled "Night Melody". I play this almost every night as I sleep. The calming music seems to keep me focused on dreams that aren't so horrific. I get to downgrade from Terror to simply Bad or Disturbing. Neither of the latter two categories are nearly as horrible as the first. I'm not sure what will happen if I stop playing the music. That's a fun tangent to go off on-- "What happens when the music stops?" A fun tangent but not one I want to crawl through tonight.

Be well and sleep pretty all...