Borderline Suicidal

This is a phrase I use for myself, it doesn't appear in any text books or therapists guides or whatever else one could use for reference. It's simple, really, as a concept. It means that I have thoughts of suicide floating around in my blasted head, but I lack the other two elements that would concern Dr B, namely a plan and intent. I can think about dying, being dead, even the act of killing myself all I want, but since I lack a real plan and I really don't have any intention of topping myself there's not much to worry about, also not much anyone can do about it.

Thoughts are not actions. At least, not today.

I've had plans before, some rather elaborate. Of course, I've never done anything about it. In all my years, all 35 of them, I've never once actually attempted to kill myself. I have injured more times than I care to count, but that's not a suicidal act for me, its a way to live. Cut here, burn there, and I feel... better. Its hard to describe, but it helps.

I bought a punching bag a few months back, that helps too. Releases endorphins and its a form of injury that I can easily explain. Bruised knuckles? "Punching bag". And its not a lie. Most of the time, I wrap my hands properly and use gels. Sometimes I won't use the gels for a while, a round or two, then I'll put the gels on. Those are the days I need the pain. Today was one of those days. Spent 30 minutes on the bag, about 10 without the gels. And I'm feeling it, but I feel I deserve it.

Better bruised hands than dead, right? 

UpDate

I've been focusing on my old school, long hand journal. It's become a bullet journal this past year as well as a brain dump of sorts and I'm rather pleased with the results. I keep track of my migraines, moods, self harming type and frequency, gratidudes, even a calendar. So really it has all kinds of things going on and I rather like that. Plus I can sustomize as I see fit.

I've been trying essential oils lately for the headaches and my moods. They help some, and anything is better than nothing at all. I've been borderline suicidal for months now. I just keep pushing that line, how close can I get? I've come up with all kinds of ways to die. I'm done, really, just fed up with trying to do it all and make everyone happy. I'm tired. Why do I have to keep trying to survive? Why do I have to?

I see my therapist on Tuesday. I'll have to tell her how I'm feeling, of course. And I see my GP next week and that may mean I have to change meds. I've been on zoloft for several years, and slowly had to up the dose. May be time to switch? May be time to up the dose? May be time to just say "screw it"?