My mother has degenerative disc disease. Basically, her spine is collapsing on itself. For the past two weeks, she has had the worst cough and that is wreaking havoc on her back. She's in so much pain. I wish there was something that I could do, but nothing. I can try to keep her comfortable, but there isn't much to do.
I feel so damned bloody useless.
If I could take her pain away, I would. I'd carry it myself if that was possible. Since it isn't, I am stuck feeling too much. I'm sorry... I broke one of my rules. Shot of whiskey with a pill, muscle relaxer in this case. Now, I'm starting to feel blissfully numb to anything and sleepy.
"To die, to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." --Hamlet, act 3, scene 1, lines 64 thru 66.
(For the record, no, I am not suicidal.)
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
What's the Hatter With Me?
I'm feeling a bit manic today. I can't keep still, I have to move something. My hands are shaky, a foot is tapping to nothing and not in beat with the music on the iPod. I went to bed upset, though I don't know why. Took everything I had not to scream my lungs out. Right now, I want to scream until my throat is raw. I want to cut until I'm a mess. The stinging would set me straight, at least a little bit right? Right?? No...? Oh well.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but its like I'm trying to crawl out of my skin. The sudden thought of throwing a rock through my bedroom wall came to me and now I'm having a hard time getting that out of my head along with the thoughts of harming. Oh the joy!
I have worship in about an hour, at least that's when I leave for it. Like this? Of course. By the time I get there I may even appear to be normal. I know I'm going to have to injure to get that done though. I'm too flipping out right now.
Did you ever see Johnny Depp as the Hatter? I feel that way, everyplace at once and only lucid when absolutely necessary. "What's the hatter with me?" Yep, crazy as a deaf bat in the nighttime! WOOHOO!
I don't know what's wrong with me, but its like I'm trying to crawl out of my skin. The sudden thought of throwing a rock through my bedroom wall came to me and now I'm having a hard time getting that out of my head along with the thoughts of harming. Oh the joy!
I have worship in about an hour, at least that's when I leave for it. Like this? Of course. By the time I get there I may even appear to be normal. I know I'm going to have to injure to get that done though. I'm too flipping out right now.
Did you ever see Johnny Depp as the Hatter? I feel that way, everyplace at once and only lucid when absolutely necessary. "What's the hatter with me?" Yep, crazy as a deaf bat in the nighttime! WOOHOO!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Unholy Shadows
All right for the last couple of days, I've been seeing shape and shadows flit about in my peripheral vision. I don't like it, it reminds me of my darker days when sleep was as illusive as a fairy god-mother. This doesn't bode well. It sets me on edge and makes me urgy to be perfectly honest. I recall seeing shadows move in unholy ways and thinking that mice and rats had infested my room, but that just wasn't true. And it isn't now.
I know what I think I'm seeing is fake, I know it isn't real. This is how I know that I'm not crazy. When you question, you aren't completely nuts yet. Once you accept this as "normal", you've gone round the bend, as they say. So that is how I know for sure that I don't need to be locked up, not yet anyway.
My problem is the reasoning behind it. Last time this happened, I was freaking right out of my head, going days without sleep, rarely eating, and so stressed out and fed up with life that I am incredibly surprised that I didn't off myself at eighteen. Its not nearly so bad this time round, but my question is why? Why am I seeing this? What's different?
I'm sleeping better these last few months then I have in the previous ten (?) years. I'm not sure how you'll think of getting five to seven hours sleep, but it used to be no more than four. I'm calling that an improvement. I just can't seem to see the reason behind the shadows. And to save you asking, I only just saw the optometrist (see the post I Hate November) and she said that my eyes were very healthy, with the exception of needing corrective lenses of course. I'm fairly sure its nothing to do with my physical eyes. Psychological? I'm not as certain.
How screwed up am I? The forever question seems to be ... why? Its always why?!!! Why do I harm? Why am I so depressed all the time? Why does every small mistake amplify into a failure? Why can I not simply accept that I am 'enough'? Always... always its 'why'. Three simple letters, one tiny word, but such a large meaning behind it.
I know what I think I'm seeing is fake, I know it isn't real. This is how I know that I'm not crazy. When you question, you aren't completely nuts yet. Once you accept this as "normal", you've gone round the bend, as they say. So that is how I know for sure that I don't need to be locked up, not yet anyway.
My problem is the reasoning behind it. Last time this happened, I was freaking right out of my head, going days without sleep, rarely eating, and so stressed out and fed up with life that I am incredibly surprised that I didn't off myself at eighteen. Its not nearly so bad this time round, but my question is why? Why am I seeing this? What's different?
I'm sleeping better these last few months then I have in the previous ten (?) years. I'm not sure how you'll think of getting five to seven hours sleep, but it used to be no more than four. I'm calling that an improvement. I just can't seem to see the reason behind the shadows. And to save you asking, I only just saw the optometrist (see the post I Hate November) and she said that my eyes were very healthy, with the exception of needing corrective lenses of course. I'm fairly sure its nothing to do with my physical eyes. Psychological? I'm not as certain.
How screwed up am I? The forever question seems to be ... why? Its always why?!!! Why do I harm? Why am I so depressed all the time? Why does every small mistake amplify into a failure? Why can I not simply accept that I am 'enough'? Always... always its 'why'. Three simple letters, one tiny word, but such a large meaning behind it.
Monday, December 9, 2013
SMASH Book
All right, I love my journal. I do! I love the pen flying across the paper, leaving behind the hen scratch that is my hand writing. I use different coloured pens to write with, each day gets its own. I don't write every day, just when I feel I need to, a sort of therapy I suppose. Lately, much of my journal entries have been like my blog, depressing. But I think I'm going to start something new.
Smash book! Think of scrapbooking but without the Martha Stewart's of the world. (In case you didn't know, I loath Martha Stewart. She is not, in my most humble opinion, 'a good thing'.) Anyway, the basic rules are... there are no rules. If you like it, smash it in. Postcards, tickets, receipts from that coffee shop you love. You can also art up the pages with quotes and magazine cut outs. Whatever you like, do! I love that there are no rules like with "traditional" scrap booking, which always seems to have pretty pictures and stickers and dye cut frames and whatever. Not my gig.
I'm "organic" in my cooking, pouring a bit of whatever herb in my hand and saying 'yeh that's about right' before dumping it into the pot. I want the same freedom with my memory books.
Anyway, I just started one and so far I have a page from the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. I glued a copy of my ticket along with a 10 of hearts playing card that I found. David Tennent is my favourite Doctor and the card seemed perfect to smash in.
I like the idea of just writing things I like, or places I've been, or whatever. So we'll see how it goes.
Smash book! Think of scrapbooking but without the Martha Stewart's of the world. (In case you didn't know, I loath Martha Stewart. She is not, in my most humble opinion, 'a good thing'.) Anyway, the basic rules are... there are no rules. If you like it, smash it in. Postcards, tickets, receipts from that coffee shop you love. You can also art up the pages with quotes and magazine cut outs. Whatever you like, do! I love that there are no rules like with "traditional" scrap booking, which always seems to have pretty pictures and stickers and dye cut frames and whatever. Not my gig.
I'm "organic" in my cooking, pouring a bit of whatever herb in my hand and saying 'yeh that's about right' before dumping it into the pot. I want the same freedom with my memory books.
Anyway, I just started one and so far I have a page from the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. I glued a copy of my ticket along with a 10 of hearts playing card that I found. David Tennent is my favourite Doctor and the card seemed perfect to smash in.
I like the idea of just writing things I like, or places I've been, or whatever. So we'll see how it goes.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Medicaid and Me
So therapy today went well. It looks like I can use medicaid to continue therapy starting in January, only a few weeks away. There was talk of cognitive behavioural therapy. I've not had the best of luck with people that have gone through that process. They come out being annoying and preachy, sounding much like a religious zealot. We'll see.
I'm just tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm always depressed, its hard for me to be motivated to do anything. I'm almost always on edge these days, its like that's my new normal and I hate it. I hate it! The feelings of being worthless are weighing on me.
I told Doc something I never have outside of my little blog that no one seems to read. I told her that "I'm stupid with sleeping pills". She asked for clarification. I have taken sleeping pills with alcohol because I don't want to deal with anything, just sleep and forget. Bingo, pills and booze. Technically, its self harm because its not the best thing for the liver and because the goal is to make the pain go away. Not something I'm proud of and it could easily have become a very bad and addictive habit. Now I have rules when it comes to pills like that.
I think that my sleep patterns worry Doc. I'm doing better! I can get at least five to seven hours of sleep these days. Better then even a few months back where four to five was the limit. So come January, we'll see how things are going.
I'm just tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm always depressed, its hard for me to be motivated to do anything. I'm almost always on edge these days, its like that's my new normal and I hate it. I hate it! The feelings of being worthless are weighing on me.
I told Doc something I never have outside of my little blog that no one seems to read. I told her that "I'm stupid with sleeping pills". She asked for clarification. I have taken sleeping pills with alcohol because I don't want to deal with anything, just sleep and forget. Bingo, pills and booze. Technically, its self harm because its not the best thing for the liver and because the goal is to make the pain go away. Not something I'm proud of and it could easily have become a very bad and addictive habit. Now I have rules when it comes to pills like that.
I think that my sleep patterns worry Doc. I'm doing better! I can get at least five to seven hours of sleep these days. Better then even a few months back where four to five was the limit. So come January, we'll see how things are going.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
I Hate November
I really cannot say how glad I am that November is over. If it can go wrong, it did last month. First week, I had a flu-like bug that knocked me flat for several days. I can't call it a real flu because I get ripped by the medical folks I know. Unless I went to hospital, was diagnosed, and treated by a doctor it wasn't a real flu. Whatever, if you're vomiting everything you've eaten for the week, shaky and feverish then I call it a flu. Don't agree? Well, I don't care!
Middle of the second week, my van failed the county ordered smog check. That meant that it had to be repaired. There goes about $300 including diagnostic to repair what was screwed up by Pep Boys! NEVER GO TO PEP BOYS!!! I paid them six months ago to replace my gas tank, which I had punctured on a large rock. I wanted and paid for a new tank, they gave me a used tank and charged me full price. Now, I'm unemployed so my father, kind man that he is, paid for the repairs. He also took being ripped off by Pep Boys much better than I would. Personally, I wanted to go down there and demand my money back for the gas tank "repair". Dad wouldn't let me. *shrug* Oh well.
Next? Oh my glasses broke. I need them to drive and see anything past six feet from my face. Joy... No glasses. Again, my father to the rescue. There was another $200. The van repair and the glasses set him back $500 in a week!
End of November is in sight, almost to the finish line and.... cold. I catch a cold! Of all things! A damned cold.
Needless to say, I wasn't very kind to myself last month. Cuts on my legs and a burn. I didn't eat very well either. In a way, I feel as if I deserved everything that happened last month. But then I think, no I don't. I didn't do anything wrong and I definitely don't believe in karma.
This feeling just never seems to go away. The low depression. I'm never truly happy, maybe a smile here or there, something will make me laugh, but it never lasts. I'm so tired of all this. Tired of everything.
Middle of the second week, my van failed the county ordered smog check. That meant that it had to be repaired. There goes about $300 including diagnostic to repair what was screwed up by Pep Boys! NEVER GO TO PEP BOYS!!! I paid them six months ago to replace my gas tank, which I had punctured on a large rock. I wanted and paid for a new tank, they gave me a used tank and charged me full price. Now, I'm unemployed so my father, kind man that he is, paid for the repairs. He also took being ripped off by Pep Boys much better than I would. Personally, I wanted to go down there and demand my money back for the gas tank "repair". Dad wouldn't let me. *shrug* Oh well.
Next? Oh my glasses broke. I need them to drive and see anything past six feet from my face. Joy... No glasses. Again, my father to the rescue. There was another $200. The van repair and the glasses set him back $500 in a week!
End of November is in sight, almost to the finish line and.... cold. I catch a cold! Of all things! A damned cold.
Needless to say, I wasn't very kind to myself last month. Cuts on my legs and a burn. I didn't eat very well either. In a way, I feel as if I deserved everything that happened last month. But then I think, no I don't. I didn't do anything wrong and I definitely don't believe in karma.
This feeling just never seems to go away. The low depression. I'm never truly happy, maybe a smile here or there, something will make me laugh, but it never lasts. I'm so tired of all this. Tired of everything.
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