Seriously??

I went to fix the coffee for Mum and Dad, so they just have to turn on the pot tomorrow. In the pantry, I noticed a slip cover from the anime I just purchased. There are only two ways that it could have gotten there. Either I put it there, or my mother did. I'm sure it was in my ROOM this morning. Either that or the trash. So my mother had taken it out of the trash and put it on the pantry shelf. (The garbage is nearby. Its the pantry/laundry/etc.) Either way, she took it with the intention of having a little chat with me about how she feels its objectionable.

Lets male one thing very clear right here and right now. I am going to be THIRTY YEARS OLD in July. Thirty! She seriously cannot be doing this anymore. I hate that she watches B-rated sci-fi flicks, I find them annoying, and often vulgar. Add to it that they always make women seem to be idiots and you have a film I hate. I don't go badgering her!

To avoid the issue, I took it back and have every intention of disposing of it away from my house! Its so stupid that I have to do this. She already made me throw away Live Free or Die Hard. She didn't like that words and phrases such as "son of a bitch", "damnit", and "bastard" were in it. Its not like it was every word or anything. Beside, I am an adult. I can make decisions for myself. Now I have to hide things.

I'm now concerned that she will read my journal. The handwriting is terrible but there is a possibility that the odd phrase could be discerned. This is a risk I am unwilling to take. So... I will have to hide my journal. I don't worry about the computer. Its password protected and she's tech stupid anyway.

If I'm very lucky, she won't remember where she put it and will be unwilling to ask me anything about it. It'll just vanish and the anime will not be easily found so she won't be able to check the spine of the disc. I seriously hope that I don't have to start locking my damned door again.

This set me off. I've been fighting back the Fury and the Abyss for weeks. Now? Now I just want to give in and injure. I seriously have been trying hard, but the last few weeks have been hard to handle for so many reasons.

I don't feel good enough, like I'm not the person I should be. That I should be happy, there isn't too much fucked up with my life. But the depression never goes away and things like this just push me so close the edge. I want to harm and be done with it. I know full well it won't help, not in the long run, but that isn't important to me right now. At this moment, I want to feel semi-stable.

I really did not need this. Thanks, Mum...

Unemployed

This hasn't been the easiest week. I was forced to quit my job as a cashier, not a big loss, but I don't have any income at the moment. My mother watches too much late night "news" and is convinced that I am "handicapped" and can't "have other people working" with me. I told her that if I'm disabled I better be able to get money for this. My therapist tells me that she's never heard of such a thing. I think I'll trust the woman who has the degree in the mental department.

Since I'm unemployed, I canceled the appointment I had with Dr B and emailed her an explanation as to why. Basically I have to save whatever money I can and she's a commodity that I can scarce afford. She replied that she'd give me a session because she felt that I was having too much at once and needed some encouragement. THANK YOU, DR B!! I don't know if she realizes how much I needed to hear that I'm not useless, that I'm not "handicapped", that I can do this. I know my coping skills aren't great, but at least I'm coping. She doesn't berate me for injury, though she does agree that coping by cutting isn't healthy. She encouraged me to do things more creative, like my jewelry or knitting.

I'm hunting for work, probably end up in a restaurant or something. I'll lie to my parents of course. Plaster that damned smile on my face and make everything look all peaches and roses. No one notices, nobody sees... they never do. Not even when I'm looking them in the eye, they can't see the pain in my own. I can, I see it plane, every morning and every night when I look in the mirror.

Just Tell Me

So tonight I made dinner of chicken fajitas with bell peppers and onions and a side of salad. It was a big hit, Dad had three servings. I'm glad he enjoyed it, though it would be nice if he actually said something once in a while. I make dinner rather often and he rarely tells me if he liked it, so I don't know if I need to change something or not bother cooking it again.

Of course where his damned pride is concerned, I'll not hear the end of it. For instance, Brutus was the house last week when I got home and it was quite a shock. I'm not terribly fond of him and view him as a liar and betrayer. My father seems to think he is perfectly kind and has changed. Not from what I saw! It was an argument the moment I walked into the door. Again Dad said nothing and I had no warning. I don't care that I forgot my cell at home, just having the courtesy of a text would have been appreciated and I wouldn't have been angry at Dad. He knows that I don't like my brother. At least let me know! Bit what happens the next day? I get in trouble for not being kind to a guest! GUEST?! More like an enemy invited into the gates and given plans to the inner citadel!

Brutus also stayed the night, not leaving until after I had gone to work that morning. I had to lock my door for the first time in almost two years. He's stolen from me before and I did not want a repeat. Dad didn't like that too much and I did not care. What I did care about was having a situation made very clear to me that I was no longer wanted in this house. It seems that since I can't acknowledge that Brutus is my brother and has changed, I am being disrespectful. I view it as self preservation. This entire thing is a big ass mess which left me feeling urgy for hours afterward. A feeling that I gave into. I cut and that makes me feel like a failure. I tried deep breathing and cross stitching and knitting as distractions. No luck.

I wish I could talk to my therapist, but I won't see her for another week. I wish my health insurance would kick in, then I could see her more often.

Reception

Guess who finally got a job after hunting for a month? Yep that would be me! I wanted receptionist work, and I got an answering service. My job is to take messages for various clients. Its hectic work, but I don't mind. At least I'm getting paid.

In other news:

I got a letter from social services today. They want me to take my idiot half brother's kids, the same guy that I have a restraining order against! I don't want those horrid children in my house or my life. They practically destroyed my parents' house, ruined the carpet and tearing holes in the walls! Their sperm donor is a whole other story! The rat bastard threatened to kill me, multiple times. He is evil incarnate, and those people want me to take his spawn?! I think not. I'm halfway tempted to go down to the office and demand that they take my name from his file. I want him out of my life forever, I never wanted him in it!

Racist fucking pig! He's part Lakota and he's a white supremacist? Yeh it confused me too.  Oh how I wish he's just go away, rot or something! Anything!!!

Slay The Dragon

Today I go to court to make sure my half brother doesn't get the restraining order I put on  him dissolved. I have evidence that proves my case, I have a witness to back me up, and I am pissed off. He's saying that the order is preventing him from gaining assisted living, I know otherwise. I am sick and damned tired of him being in my life. I want him gone. Today, I will walk into court and slay that dragon with the sharp blade of truth. He's going to stop abusing me like this and I'll be the one that has to make him stop.