Oh, yeah... so this is the latest thing we're trying at therapy. Doc wants me to start with affirmations in an attempt to rewire my brain. I hate myself, have for some time, and her idea is to use affirmations to get my brain to rethink.
The brain has neural pathways. Over time, these pathways become well worn and easy for synapses to fire and connect. The problem comes when these pathways are making negative connections-- "I hate myself", "I'm no good", "I'm useless," etc. Pathways can become highways, expressways, or the Autobahn! Muscle memory is really neurological memory, the pathway is extremely well worn.
In the case of negative thinking, the path from something said or done to the thought of "I suck, etc" is well worn. In my case, as with many who have depression and other mental illnesses, its like riding a motorcycle flat out with no traffic on an empty highway!
The point of affirmations is to change the neurology of the brain. Instead of saying "I hate myself" I have to say "I am lovable" and mean it. This starts to slowly make a new path in the brain. At the moment... this just sounds stupid and corny! For the reason that it sounds stupid, my therapist wants me to repeat it. She showed me a collection of cards she has with affirmations on them. No lie... they have unicorns on them.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Monday, December 3, 2018
Self Hate vs Self Love
Self love always sounds so foreign to me. I try. I try to do little things to care for myself, but it always seems so selfish and hypocritical. How can I take myself out to a coffee shop when I really hate myself?
I've lived most of my life thinking that the only important thing to be was smart. That is measurable, you can take a test and prove that you have a certain level of intelligence. Pretty? Talented? Whatever. Everything I do comes out wrong. Everything I say seems to come out worse! I just really do not like myself and its so hard to change my mind.
There's a song by Blue October called "Hate Me". Part of the lyric mentions 'suicidal hate'. I so understand that feeling, and I really wish I didn't. My friends keep trying to change my mind, to convince me that I'm worthy of love, of care, of loving myself. Really I just hate looking in the mirror.
If any one of my friends were to talk about themselves the way I talk about myself, I'd do my best to put a stop to it, to remind them of how great they are, to love them. And they do the same with me... I'm just so far away that I can't hear it anymore, if I ever did.
I've lived most of my life thinking that the only important thing to be was smart. That is measurable, you can take a test and prove that you have a certain level of intelligence. Pretty? Talented? Whatever. Everything I do comes out wrong. Everything I say seems to come out worse! I just really do not like myself and its so hard to change my mind.
There's a song by Blue October called "Hate Me". Part of the lyric mentions 'suicidal hate'. I so understand that feeling, and I really wish I didn't. My friends keep trying to change my mind, to convince me that I'm worthy of love, of care, of loving myself. Really I just hate looking in the mirror.
If any one of my friends were to talk about themselves the way I talk about myself, I'd do my best to put a stop to it, to remind them of how great they are, to love them. And they do the same with me... I'm just so far away that I can't hear it anymore, if I ever did.
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