Assertive vs Bitchy

What is it about me? There must be something that makes freaks and drunks think that I am willing to be touched or talked to. So here's what happened: I went karaoke with some friends handed my songs to the KJ (karaoke jocky). A drunk was "dancing", if the moves he was making could be mistaken for dance, and kept backing into me. Thinking he didn't see me, I pushed his back *between the shoulder blades and no where near his ass* to let him know I was there. His response? Oh to come closer of course! I pushed again. Third time? That isn't a charm, its a "I will kick your sorry back side from here to the curb!" I shoved him away from me, pressing my fist into his back hard. That was the clue he needed.

Next, I had finished singing my first song, one that I am rather good at, thank you very much, and I received some adoration from another drunk. "You were really great, I love that song and you were amazing," he tells me. I thank him, trying to twist out of his awkward side hug. "No, I mean it,you were great!" I look him in the eye, "Thank you, now stop touching me." He backs away, apologizing for trying to be nice.

This is what amazes me. When a man says 'no' or 'back off', he is being assertive. When a woman does the same thing, she is called a bitch. When she tried to be polite and then has enough of a man's advances and tells him in clear English to back off, she's called a tease or a tart. WHY IS THIS OK?!?!

I really am getting sick and tired of being told that I need to be nice and whatever only to have some drunk ass bastard start thinking that I am being a flirt. Honestly, I do not engage the drunks, ever! They have lost all ability to think clearly thanks to the effects of alcohol. Apparently, my ignoring them is considered a challenge, one that far too many are all too willing to take on. When I make is abundantly clear that I have no desire to be touched, I'm called a bitch and made out to be an unfriendly woman.

I'm nice, I'm friendly! I just have zero tolerance for stupidity and drunks.

The whole thing made me so angry. Beyond angry, I was ready to slam my fist into the next person that laid a finger on me. Instead, I went to the bathroom, made sure I was alone, and slammed my left fist into the wall. Now my knuckles are bruised.

I love hanging out with my friends, even if it is in a situation that I find difficult. I find this is good practice for me to maintain my cool and not bloody panic. Sometimes, I even have fun. But seriously? It would be awesome if the drunks would leave me the hell alone and not think of me as a challenge.

While I'm thinking about it... why don't my friends ever seem to come to my rescue as I do them? I'm always alone. Always. 

Jazz Greats

All right, so I have an odd streak. Amid the Linkin Park, Paramore, and Within Temptation, my iPod has a collection of things like Adele, Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald. I love music and so long as I like the song, it finds a place on the vast iPod thingy. Today I bought a Billie Holiday collection. I prefer Ella Fitzgerald, but I do like Billie too.

My parents have their own tastes in music, which often are my tastes as well. However, my tastes (see the above list of alternative rock) are not theirs. Lately, I've been enjoying the smoother tones of jazz and classical music. I'm not sure why, but  just have a taste.. or an ear rather for the softer music. Been playing hymns and classical for the last week. Now I want jazz. Or else the music of Imogen Heap.

Anyway I should go to bed. Therapy in the morning.

But Weight- There's More

I've been noticing patterns of late, especially in my eating habits. I seem almost fixated on not eating sugary things or drinking sodas, though the coffee is ever present. I keep having the same thought run through my mind, "I need to loose a few damned pounds." This has happened before, but not with the intensity of this current bout.

I have a health assessment coming up soon. Later in the year, there's a follow up assessment to see if I have improved with their recommendations. I fear that if I don't pass those assessments then I will loose a $35 credit off my health insurance. I was unaware that I was going to be forced, or better coerced, into changing how I am. I'm not fat, per se, but I could stand to loose a few pounds. My dress size is 20, but I'm 5' 11" tall, so that weight doesn't show like you'd think it would. I'm already in a poor mind set, the last thing I need is a stupid doctor telling me I'm going to die for being fat. I know I'm fat and up till very recently, I didn't care. Now I'm starting to care.

 I have also made a personal discovery of a positive nature (for once). My nightmares have been pretty bad of late, by that I mean they have been terrifying. I made a play list on my iPod that I have titled "Night Melody". I play this almost every night as I sleep. The calming music seems to keep me focused on dreams that aren't so horrific. I get to downgrade from Terror to simply Bad or Disturbing. Neither of the latter two categories are nearly as horrible as the first. I'm not sure what will happen if I stop playing the music. That's a fun tangent to go off on-- "What happens when the music stops?" A fun tangent but not one I want to crawl through tonight.

Be well and sleep pretty all...