Quiet Time

I've been awake since about nine this morning, late for me. I'm usually up at around 7.30. I studied my Watchtower and did the Bible reading for the week, for which I must have either silence or classical music. I went with silence today because I could not be bothered to mess with the music. Once finished with study, I picked up a book. Girl, Interrupted by Suzanna Kaysen. Its November, after all. I always seem to read this book in November and about once a year. Started it this morning and already almost through. I find satisfaction in being able to read a book in a day.

Back to the quiet time. I'm not sure how I'm feeling today and just want to be quiet for a once. I want to curl in a comfy chair and read and forget that there is Black Friday coming, that I will have almost no sleep before that day. My shift on Thanksgiving ends at 6.30 in the evening. The next day, if it can be called that, starts at 1.30 in the morning. Less then eight hour's turn around. I guess I am taking the quiet now while I can get it.

I think a part of me is worried about my next therapy session. I have to tell her what my goals for therapy are. She wants to know if and what I hope to accomplish in the time I spend with her. I want to feel free to trust people, to be okay with failure and to have better coping skills. I want to feel safe in the quiet again, without things going off in my head. Lately, I've noticed that I'm having difficulty with patterns, namely a striped shirt that my father wears. Its dark green and white stripes, thin stripes. They seem to bend and twist in an unnatural sort of way and it bugs the hell out of me. I see those stripes and my skin crawls. Its like hearing a music box, another thing I associate with being crazy. I wish he wouldn't wear that shirt.

I wonder if I will ever find a quiet place in my head that I can enjoy whenever I want. I'm tired, exhausted of living up to the expectations that others have forced upon me. I want to find that quiet and be pleased. I have those moments, usually when I am studying Scripture. Maybe that is the trick to it all. Shift my focus, instead of seeking what is inside--namely a dark expanse that I am unfamiliar with-- I should focus on Scripture and worship. Inner peace. Isn't that what we all seek?

Goals Of Therapy

My therapist wanted me to come up with a goal, an end plan for the therapy. What am I working towards? I have been giving this much thought and I have come up with something, well a few things. I want to learn how to trust people without fear of betrayal. I would like to simply accept that I am not perfect and that I never will be. The fact also remains that I need better coping skills then cutting or burning.

I burned today and was in a grand mood all day. I think I may be on the high note of bipolar. If not then this "high" is a byproduct of self harm... again. When is this going to end? Probably not until I start talking to my therapist and stop talking in damned circles!

Yes, Mother

I was hired on a retail giant and mother was so thrilled. She also wants me to keep both jobs, retail and the call centre. I told her last night that there was a very real possibility that I may be canned for not being available enough at the call centre. She didn't like that. She wants me to keep both jobs and burn myself out basically. If I miss a meeting or two of worship, she will gripe that I am putting work ahead of God. She has done this before and I hate it.

I'm just so fed up with everything!

Retail Hell

I have orientation at Walmart next week and thus starts the holiday retail hell. Its temporary but I may get hired on as a regular associate. I'll keep the call centre job because it pays more and offers a level of security. So it looks like I may be having trouble trying to maintain the therapy sessions. Its good she can see patients on three days a week, but what if I work all those days? I'll cross that bridge as I get to it.

All I want to do today is watch Mythbusters and write pathetic poetry. A sample of such will follow this post. I'm feeling unmotivated. All I want to do is curl up and watch tv. I am forcing myself to not go back to bed and just curl in a ball. Not really sure what is wrong with me. Maybe the dread of yet another holiday season in retail hell. If you have never worked retail during the Christmas season, then you truly have no idea what its like.

And now for your cultural delight, I give you Puppet Master.

Marionett

puppet controlled 

by other hands

pulling strings

and making me dance

to a music 

I don't understand. 

Even Pinocchio got to choose.

But not me, 

always being tugged,

manipulated

into doing things,

saying things that

are unnatural

as a puppet 

on a string.

Anger Turned Inward

So I went to therapy today and told her that I feel like I'm talking in circles, she agreed but said that kind of thing was normal. Part of learning to trust is talking in those circles, her job is kind of like being  a detective and waiting to see what happens. I also mentioned my fear of therapy: What if there is no underlying trauma that started all this? What if there is? I'm not sure which is more frightening.

I was also told something today that has stuck in my head and keeps coming back up again when I let my mind wander. "Depression is anger turned inward". That struck me, hard. She's right. I take things too harshly, too severely. Every mistake is a failure and I don't handle failures well.

Oh I cannot wait until my next therapy session...