Black Or Not

I've noticed a startling trend in my wardrobe. I'll make myself not wear black t-shirts. I use black to hide the blood after I injure. To keep myself from injuring and from being discovered, I'll wear shirts that aren't black. Last night, I managed to by pass my own rule by injuring before a shower. By the time I was finished, the cuts had stopped bleeding. Since they weren't too deep this is hardly surprising.

My internal debate comes from my thoughts of whether or not to tell my therapist. She knows I injure but not the methods I use. Its easier for me to write things then say them. Next session is on Friday.

I'm getting headaches every time I go to work. My headaches are stress triggered, so guess what? My job isn't exactly conducive to recovery in any way, yet I have to stay. I can't the medical benefits anywhere else. I may even be forced to sacrifice my Sundays. I worship all day on Sunday, but they are trying to tell me that I have to be free to work all the time, that they are only obligated to offer time off for the service itself, not my habit of going in the field ministry and Bible study after. Its an "all day" thing! They just refuse to understand that. If I have to, I'll get a lawyer!

I am just so fed up with everything!! I'm feeling numb. I want to cut again, as I had last night. I want to burn because there is no blood to hide.

Numb

I'm tired. Exhausted. Fed up. I'm numb, and that troubles me. I've had one hell of a day. Came home and did the one thing I fought all day not to, injure. Couldn't stop shaking! I feel bad for injuring, but damned if the desired effect wasn't there. I'm calmer in the mind, but now emotionally and physically numb.

Probably going to finish this episode of CSI:NY then hit the sack. I can't --no, I don't want to stay awake any longer. I want to escape in sleep, but fear the dreams.

Not Sure About This

I have a new therapist that I will be seeing for the first time this Friday. I'm wanting to go because of the self injury, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up injury. I know it sounds weird, but si has become my go-to drug of choice. Some people smoke, some drink, others get high. I injure when too many negative emotions pile up, I implode by going inside myself then explode by way of hurting myself.

I know all the facts about what I do, when and why and I know its bad for me, but leaving it behind is scary. Once I have left it all behind, there is no one that will support me. Not off line anyway. I feel so alone in this.

Raining Lullaby

Its raining out. All I really want to do is go out walking, let the rain kiss me, wash me clean. I want to know that I am not alone in this mindset, that other people need to feel more then depression. The rain's music is a calming lullaby to my soul, singing a sweet song just for me. Maybe I'm being petty and greedy, but I like the idea of the rain giving me a song to sleep to. Its still early but how can a mind as fractured as mine pass up the chance to sleep without being disturbed? To sleep to the sound of nature's song, of God's lullaby?