Rough Session

So I told my therapist that I would let her ask me anything, in an attempt to stop talking in circles. She asked me what I thought she would, methods. I went to therapy wanting to find better coping methods, maybe even stop SI all together. It was hard, it always is, being in a room and telling someone that I'm an injurer. Its harder still to tell them methods. I can type them, no worries, because I don't ever have to see your faces, Readers. I don't ever have to look you in the eye.

I told her about the hitting, wrist banging (which I had to explain. Apparently, she doesn't encounter that one much.), cutting, burning, skin picking/scratching. I felt broken, damaged... I guess I always feel that way. I started to cry, I allowed myself to be vulnerable for all of two minutes, then I stopped crying. Tears are not something I do in public or in front of others. Tears are mine and mine alone.

"You're trying not to cry," my therapist said. I only nodded.

It was a rough session for me, but I hope it helps me open up more, stop talking in circles. She had suggested that I use the rubber band trick as an alternate for self harm. Not good for me, the welts left behind look like cuts that weren't deep enough to break the skin and they snapped right over the burn scars. Those burns are still discoloured from the band. I don't think I'll be using that too often. Maybe as an alternate to hitting, which I do when I'm at work and feeling panicked.

I've been getting attacks of anxiety lately. My hands shake and I get paranoid. Not sure what triggers them. Well, I suppose I can change the subject here...

--Books--
So I've got a few reading challenges going this year. The most notable is to read at twelve books that have been on my shelf for longer then a year. All the ones I chose have been on my shelf for way longer then that. So far I have read four of them and finished one from last year, so my total books read are five this year. I've picked up reading more often again, nice release, to vanish into some one else's story for a time and forget your own.

Ask Me Anything

I've decided to tell my therapist that she can ask me anything on my next visit. I feel that I am talking in circles and that this would be a good chance to break that habit. I always reserve the right to not answer any question. That habit has led to a few walls. For example, during our first session, she asked about my methods and I told her that I did not want to answer that.

I think that by not answering, I am making more problems, or at least difficulties for her. If I allow myself to trust her enough then this work out fine. We'll know for sure on Tuesday.