Three Personality Traits I'm Proud Of

Who comes up with this stuff? All right here goes.

I'm loyal. I'm the most loyal friend you could ask for, I'll go to bat for you, defend you, take a beating if needs be. I don't make friends easily. Those I do have, I protect. I've put myself on the line for friends because I consider them my family. My blood relatives wanted nothing to do with me. I make up for that by choosing people that really want me around. So I suppose my first quality is my loyalty.

I'm empathetic. I can feel the pain of people I care about, their pain becomes mine. I can see different parts of the issue because, as a writer and reader, there are always stories that require deeper thought. It makes it easier for people who are really upset and thinking that no one really understands. I do, because I can feel it.

I'm trustworthy. Tell me a secret and it dies with me. Ask me to do a job and its done without your having to hover over my shoulder. I've been lied to and betrayed most of my life, I won't return to others.

So there you go, three personality traits that make me proud.

Next:  Ten Favourite Foods. Doesn't sound too terrible.

Thirty Day Challenge-- My Guilty Pleasure

My guilty pleasure? This required some thinking, mostly because I never feel guilty about having a smile or feeling good for a short time. But something that I go back to time and again for a smile or to feel something other than numb?

Marvel's Avengers! I watch it all the time. I love the story, the characters, the fact that they are so perfectly damaged. One drowns his emotions in alcohol and fast living, another buries her emotions so deep it takes an Asgardian to dig them up, another actually tried to kill himself and when it didn't work he focused on helping others. I suppose I identify with them all in a different ways.

Hamlet. For similar reasons. I understand having depression so terrible that it threatens your sanity, driving you to madness.

You'd think this would depress me more, but in all reality I feel better knowing that people can accomplish great things in spite of their pasts.

Tomorrow: 3 Personality Traits I'm Proud of. Oh that won't be hard at all...

Thirty Day Challenge-- Earliest Childhood Memory

I think my earliest memory is of me at about three? My older half brother had taken my teddy bear and threw him on the heater vent. The house had one of those old systems in which the vent was metal and extremely hot. Mom had placed a string fence around it and warned me not to go there because I'd get hurt. My half-brother threw my bear on the vent because he was being mean and thought it was funny. I had to go over the string to get him, in a child's mind Teddy was going to get hurt and I had to help him.

I ended up hurting my feet from the heat on the metal grating. Mum scolded me for it until she found out why I went over there in the first place. I remember my idiot half brother got in trouble for it. I still have that bear and he's always been a bit singed. As a result, I never like that half brother. And I don't like people touching my stuff.

Next up: My Guilty Pleasure

Fear of Loss

I can feel myself starting to talk in circles again while in therapy. I'm sure that Doc has noticed. I think I'm a bit scared to let go of so much, of so many secrets. Its hard to let go of things that I've held onto for so long. Its just strange that I should want to hang onto such things.

Today we discussed abnormalities, at least in the way that the average adult thinks of them. I'm a geek and I love it. Most of my friends and acquaintances are not so there is often a gap. Even among injurers, I feel a bit strange because burning isn't nearly as common as eating disorders and cutting. I never really feel as if I belong anywhere.

The only place I feel myself is online, in my chatroom. I can be myself, I don't have to lie or fake it. I guess in a way I feel that if I talk too much, I may loose parts of myself instead of gaining. Strange, I never think that I'm worth saving. I'm self-deprecating, self-loathing. Honestly, it surprises me that I have friends at all.

Its funny, I think of all these things that I would want to talk to Doc about during the week, but when I get to her office that all goes right out the damned window. 

Thirty Day Challenge-- Business Name

What if you don't have a business? Did anyone think that through? Ok, so I do.
My business is called Studio395. I make jewelry and geek wear. The name comes from the simple fact that I live next to a highway. I can change my style without having to change the name. Its a simple explanation, but there you go.

Tomorrows challenge: Earliest childhood memory... joy.
I'll blog later about therapy.

30 Day Challenge. -- Twenty Things About Me

All right, I'm going to try a challenge and blog once a day for a month. Lets see how this goes, even though no one really reads this anyway.

DAY ONE-- Twenty Things About Me.

Seriously? This was on the list, I kid you not. That sounds so very pretentious.Honestly, I'm combining the original list's day one and two. Day one was "Introduction". If you read my blog then you already have that intro. All right, twenty list, moving on!

One-- I love to read. I mean really love to read. If I could be paid to read all day every day, I would in a heartbeat. With the exception of romance, I'll read just about anything. Right now I'm in the middle of Cloud Atlas.  I also have several reading lists that I have. In the air of pure self publish-ment, my book review blog is Quill and Ink .

Two-- I can make jewelry. I prefer to work with natural stones, but I'll use anything. Well, almost anything. I've given away more of my work than I have sold. Some of my friends hire me to repair their older pieces.

Three-- Coffee! Its my favourite thing to drink. Add a good book and I will be very a content lady. Columbian beans are affordable and delicious. I've had Ethiopian beans and they are both delicious and expensive, so I don't get them often. By the way, I loathe StarBucks with a firey passion.

Four-- Spiders terrify me.

Five-- My favourite colours are blue, purple, black, and grey. I love the shadow colours. Instead of depressing me, as is common with many people, they calm me.

Six-- I'm a writer. Short stories and poems are my main forms. I use them as a type of therapy. I can create whole worlds and emotions from nothing. I love that I can do that, its my talent.

Seven-- I know how to cross stitch. I use it as a distraction when I'm on edgy and feeling like I need to self harm. I knit for the same reasons. Keep the edge off and make something, win-win.

Eight-- I love to do research. I know it sounds odd, but I do. Hunting through internet posts, encyclopedias, old tomes to find the information that I need for a project. Instead of giving a superficial report, I give a study that you can really enjoy. Or at the very least be informed.

Nine-- I'm allergic to certain meats. I can't eat mammals: pork, beef, lamb, venison. I get flu-like symptoms and am then weak the next day. Its not a terribly common allergy, but its also easy for me to avoid.

Ten-- (Half way there) Music. I enjoy almost every style of music. Classical, rock, punk, alternative, jazz... If it sounds good to me, I'll add it to the iPod. My favourite is Punk/Alternative, anything with a wicked guitar riff and killer bass.

Eleven--I'm not fond of American news coverage. It always seems to be too polite. I listen to BBC World News on my phone (yay, there's an app for that) because I feel they have more comprehensive coverage than their American counterparts.

Twelve-- I've always wanted to go on a Book Tour. I want to visit all the places that feature in my favourite stories. Sherwood Forest, Nottingham, Edinburgh, Oxford, London (specifically Baker Street), Paris, Calais (these two are from Three Musketeers), Barcelona (from The Shadow of the Wind). I want to see what the authors saw when they wrote these amazing works!

Thirteen-- I can't draw to save my life. I've tried, I really have! I would love to be able to draw like some of my friends, but nope its not going to happen. Of course, none of my friends can write like me... so there we go. I see places in my head that I want to draw but I write them instead.

Fourteen-- I lose my heat through my feet. Specifically the soles of my feet. Come summer, if I can be barefoot, I tend to feel cooler. Most people loose heat through the tops of their heads, this makes perfect and logical sense. I can walk on snow and not feel it for a few minutes. My mother thinks I'm weird. I think she's right.

Fifteen-- There's a bed and breakfast I want to stay in, all the rooms are designed after different authors. Its right by the ocean and has no wi-fi. Its lovely! And not terribly expensive. Since I'll be so close, I want to hit up Powell's Book Store too. If I ever get to go, this will be the trip I take alone! I don't want my mother flipping a wig, but I have to do something alone.

Sixteen-- I'm white, I mean burn in-the-sun-in-a-heartbeat white. SPF 45 or better and I'll probably not burn. Many of my friends are not Caucasian. My point? I HATE WHITE SUPREMACISTS!! Those freaks piss me off faster than anything. Mostly because of their complete stupidity. Genetically, the entire planet is African anyway! Follow the mitochondrial DNA from your mother, or the mutations in the DNA of the Y-chromosome from your father and you'll eventually arrive in Africa. This makes such views on race ridiculous.

Seventeen-- Recycling. I managed to get my father to recycle! And now that my local Waste Management has the bin included in your bill anyway... Mom's been reusing things for years and we still do, but getting Dad to recycle was a bit of a chore. Now a family of three adults throws away only one bag of trash a week. The rest is in the recycle bin.  I'm a bit proud of this accomplishment.

Eighteen-- I collect poker cards. I like to play solitaire and enjoy using different cards to do so. I have about six different decks. Pirates of the Caribbean, Edward Scissor Hands, Green/Dark Green, and Black/Silver. The last two are the best and are pretty cool to play with.

Nineteen-- The only make-up I wear is lipstick. Covergirl has this great product that lasts all day, so I don't have to reapply. Without the lipstick, I look ill. I know because people have asked if I'm feeling all right when I don't wear lip colour.

Twenty-- Best for last! I'm a geek! I love it!! I love being completely obsessed with things. Sherlock, Avengers, Batman, Firefly, Lord of the Rings... There's more. I just love to watch the shows, read the books, make obscure references that no one else in my family seems to catch. The back stories, the simple escapism, I love it all. You ought to see my Pinterest boards, nothing but the things that I obsess over.

So there we have it, twenty things about me. Next is the meaning behind my business name. Stay frosty people!

Say "Stop"

This was the advice that Doc gave me Tuesday. When I start the track of negative thinking, tell myself "no stop". I've been, as I always do, trying to practice what she preaches. She did warn me that it will be damned annoying at first but it will help in the long run. Mostly, I think, because I am being more aware of my thoughts and the process that motivates my self harming.

She's right, its annoying! Do you have any idea how many times I have had to tell myself to stop that thinking today? Do you? No I'm serious. I lost count!  Its incredible how often I think that way. Incredible, frightening, sad... pathetic.

My last therapy appointment was not easy. I suppose that's the point. If its easy, is it worth it? Anything that is worth keeping is worth fighting for. I want to live, not just survive, that means that I need to fight for it. I told her that I'd injured the day before, that it was two weeks since my last injury. Felt like an AA meeting. "Hi, my Alcatraz and I'm an injurer. Its been two weeks since my last injury." Or maybe confession. I'm not Catholic, in case you were wondering.

I notice that I shake my head when I tell myself stop. It must be interesting to see, some woman shake her head to some voice only she can hear. I'm always to angry, all the time! Angry and exhausted. For being so angry, I suppose I deserve to be punished for it *stop*. No, I deserve to be listened to, because the anger is often because people don't listen to me. Woah, Doc would be pleased, I'm sure. That's the type of thing she is trying to get me to do.