Noticed

So I was at worship this evening and a young man, who has expressed an interest in me, asked if I changed my hair again. I'd dyed it auburn red a few weeks back and he was the first one to notice it. To night? "Nope, same colour, just faded." I must say that I do appreciate he bothers to notice. "Sagan" isn't exactly my type. He's very kind, geeky (insert smile here), but I'm not attracted to him at all. When he asked if I would go out with him, I told him no, told him that I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I wouldn't mind a friend though.

You see I'm a geek and would like to have someone that I can have "geek speak" with. He knows who The Doctor is and I don't have to explain it! He's seen Firefly. While I'm more of a scy-fy/comic book geek, Sagan is more into science in general, hence the name I gave him.

In a time when I'm being berated and belittled for every damn thing, its nice to be noticed, even its just my hair colour.

Job Hunt Over

I just got hired as an assistant to the park manager where I live. I'll be answering phones, showing lease properties, and so on. So after being out of workfor three weeks, I finally have work! But guess what my mother said? "Don't blow this."

God... really? That is what she's going with? She has no faith in me and that is incredibly disherartening. I thought she would believe in me at least a little bit. Guess not. I'm angry with her, pissed off! If only she knew what her loathing did to me.

Is a Little Support So Much To Ask?

I went to a job fair yesterday at a local community college. They were talking about apprenticeships for women in a male dominated field. For instance, electrician, sheet metal worker, pipe fitter, machinist are all fields in which most of the workers are men. There's a demand for women in these fields and I was interested in machinist.

Coming home, I told mom how it went and what I was interested in. Its a paid apprenticeship, which is nice, because they pay for the classes. I need to do a little research first, but it looks like I may apply for classes.

What does my mother ask however? "Well, why didn't you look into this when I told you to years ago?" My response was that I was unsure of what to take and didn't want to waste my parents' money. "About time you listened. You're almost 30." Thanks mom... really. (insert eye roll here)

Invalid

That's how I feel all the time, as if all my emotions mean nothing to anyone. I finally told my parents that I feel as if my emotions aren't valid to them. They deftly changed the subject and made me sound "too prideful". Sure, I have a sense of pride, everyone does. I can't tolerate stupidity too well, this reflects because I cannot stop myself from saying something.

I'm just so sick and tired of feeling as if I am not good enough to have any emotion other then "happy happy joy joy". I want to scream at them, "SHUT UP!" But that won't do any good. They don't listen anyway. I just have to suck it up, deal with it.

I'm dying for a blade, a match... I don't care, I just don't want to deal with this right now. I want to take sleeping pills so I don't have to dream, so I don't have to think. I'm so sick of it all!! I don' know how much longer I can do this, act like a good little girl when all I want to do is scream and fight. Instead, I sit and listen to people I love tell me that I'm not good enough. I have to allow them to tell me that they love me on conditions. I have to hear as they say that they won't allow me to "be abusive" verbally or otherwise, when I did nothing to warrant that. If anything I am the one who has to deal with all the emotional crap they throw on me every single day.

So... I sit and listen and wait until I'm alone long enough to "cope".