Therapy

So I have made an appointment to see a therapist in April. Honestly, I'm a little frightened. I've never been to therapy before and do not know what to expect. I know that this is what I need, however.

Monday was horrid. I was beside myself, I was so stressed out. People were asking me how I was and all I said was "fine" and kept going. I don't recall doing much of anything then trying to not burst into tears and go on an Elizabethan tyraid. One of my co-workers said yesterday that I had a look in my eye that had her more then a little worried. I know the look she's speaking of. Its that wild eyed look of a mad woman. I've seen it myself, many times and it still freaks me out. Between Monday and yesterday, Wednesday, I have cut my arm and burned twice. Its rare I burn more then once in a month. Twice in a single week is bad for me.

What never ceases to surprise me, though, is that no one ever sees the burns. I make no effort to hide them. Some of the scars are pink, a few are purple, many have faded, but no one seems to notice them at all. Maybe I'm lucky because I wouldn't know what to say any how.

In The Chair

So I finally took the plunge and called a therapist. I called yesterday and left a message on the voice mail. Tomorrow is Monday, so I might get a call. If not, I'll call again and see. I think its time. I've mentioned going to therapy for some time. The last time I thought of doing this, I chickened out before and didn't go. Of course I also gave a false name so... Anyway.

So if they call, I could be having an appointment with a shrink soon. I've been told by other friends of mine, people who injure, that its best to talk if you feel comfortable with the counselor. Also that its best if I have a plan on what I want to talk about. I think I'll start with just the depression and the nightmares first. The injury will come later.

That has been getting worse of late. I have a half dozen fresh scratches. I'm tired. So damned tired.

Butterfly Project

I tried the "Butterfly Project" idea. You draw a butterfly on your arm, or where ever you injure. Your goal is to not injure until the butterfly fades away, otherwise you'll kill the butterfly. I have drawn one on my left wrist where I will see it all the time.

Today royally sucked! Every time I turned round, there was something pushing me into this oblivion. All I wanted to do today was either slap somebody or cut my arm. This is just a bad damned day. I'm doing all the damned work of the bloody supervisor and not getting the bloody pay! I wouldn't mind it so much if I was being paid better.

I'm trying, I really am.I just want to curl up some days and sleep this crap away! That isn't possible though. Not by a long shot

SIAD

Been a while since I've last been on here. Been a rough go of late. More and more, I am wanting to leave this place. The stresses that are here alone are bad enough to haunt my dreams. The nightmares are as bad as ever. I have been cutting again, but that's nothing new. Last week, I was so stressed at work, I cut in the restroom.

I've been so shaky I missed March 1st, Self Injury Awareness Day. One of these days, I'm going to tie orange string or ribbon to the trees down town. I'd like to use to ribbon so I can write S.I.A.D on them. Every year I say I'm going to do that and every year I forget till its too late.

Been feeling all shaky and cagey these last few days. Last night was bad as they come. I unexpectedly saw a self harmer on the telly and it really sent me for a trip. I was shaky all afternoon. It wasn't pleasant, I can tell you. I need to distract myself again.