Last night, I was working on a project at my congregation with Nightingale. We were brain storming and everything was perfectly normal until she touched my left wrist and asked, "What happened here?" She had noticed the scars and a fresh burn that was only a couple days old. Shutting the door, I told her that I couldn't lie to her, though I had a fleeting moment in which I could have. I swore her to secrecy, begged her not to tell a soul. She promised by everything she holds sacred and holy not to tell anyone, ever.
She asked me why, I told her there were many reasons. Anger, self punishment, stress. She tried to be understanding, telling me that everyone has something that "makes them weird", meaning that everyone has a past they aren't proud of. She reminded me that I'm not alone, many people hurt themselves. I know that.
Nightingale asked how long I'd been hurting myself. Thirteen years, was the answer, but I just realized its been sixteen years. Over half my life, hurting myself. She was surprised I'd kept the secret that long, that I'd hidden it for so long. Its not hard once you master being invisible. She even told me that she wants to know more and will do some research on the subject. There were some recent articles that I'd read and pointed her towards.
How did I feel? Scared, terrified, like a caged animal. I came inches from a panic attack. I couldn't think straight, just stared at the floor even after she insisted that I look at her. I couldn't. Its said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, I'm not sure how much of me I want her to see or how much I'd burden her with. As it is she has to carry my secret and I don't think its fair to her. Such a heavy burden, I know. I apologized for telling her because I feel bad. She told me not to worry, that she was happy I trusted her enough. She knows I have trust issues.
"You're the first one to notice, Nightingale, no one else has," I told her. She looked a little sad fora moment and hugged me. I cried so hard, I thought I'd break. I promised not to avoid her, she's worried that I'll pull away from her now that she knows. Its tempting, but I won't. Its also tempting to look for reasons not to trust her, but I won't.
I'm scared, but relieved. She saw the broken angel on bended knees.
