Shoulda Woulda Coulda And A Bite In The Ass

A few months ago, I noticed an ad for a manager at a local book shop. I wanted to try for the position, even wrote a cover letter displaying my interest and sent it off. But I was the damned fool that mentioned it to my mother. The shop showed interest in me but I never replied because Mummy didn't think it was a good idea. I was working at Home Depot after all. I had a good job with benefits. But it was the job that she wanted me to take, one I always hated. I took the Home Depot Hell because she wanted me to and it made bother her and dad pleased that I was following in my father's steps.

Now I wish I would have gone ahead and talked to the folks at that book shop. It was what I wanted! And I supposed I'm damned if its something that I want... I'm working at a call centre as a receptionist for a ton of clients. It is not exactly stimulating work. I don't particularly care for the job, but at least its a paycheck.I'm going to keep looking for something else.

Do you want to know what's really funny? Dad is thinking of leaving Home Depot! A job he's had for almost twenty years. Horribly funny... a job I hated from the start and he's finally getting fed up with it.

Drugs and Coffee

I'm strung out. I took a sleeping pill, a muscle relaxer and an Irish coffee last night. Now I'm feeling like I had a bad high, groggy, sluggish. I keep taking blame for things I don't do and its wearing me down. I know its not my fault, but if I don't take the blame then my parents get annoyed with me.

I've been taking sleeping pills too often these days, cutting too much, burning more often. I just turned twenty-seven and my life is a mess. If only my parents knew how my head is... though I'm glad they don't. I'm sure they would kick me on my ear and race me out of town. Its a disgrace to them, I think. I told them once and Dad called me a liar, Mom said nothing at all. So I don't say anything about being an injurer.

I'm beyond tired. I need to get back to therapy. The question is how am I going to afford it without insurance. When I got fired, that took away so much I had worked toward. It was like getting the rug yanked from under me. Now I have to start all over again.

I'm feeling old, tired, half the woman I used to be and not all because I was fired. Just want to curl up and sleep all day.

Woman In A Box

Once upon a time there was a girl, a smart girl. Clever but not beautiful, something she tilted to her advantage. "If you're not beautiful, you can at least be smart," she told herself. So she became invisible. People were always trying to hurt her and she was tired of it. She started to make herself small and seem unknown. The people around her were always trying to get her into a place where they could take advantage of her trust. But when she started to rely on her cleverness and her instincts, she could see how those tricks were going to play out.She used every tool in her possession to protect her back.

Even her own father, a man that she loved, the only one she would ever trust, tried to make her something she could never be. He is forever trying to cram her into this tiny box of "positivity". She is a cynical realist with pessimistic tendencies, "happy" doesn't come into her equations. When she told him that people were always trying to shove her into a box, some preconceived notion of what she should be in their eyes. He told her that no one was trying to do that to her. She didn't tell him that she wasn't, at the moment, talking about everyone else. She was talking about him. He is the one that is trying to cram her into this tiny box! She cannot be that person, that happy slappy fool, grinning from ear to ear like a crazy person on antidepressants.

She will always be herself, because she is the only woman she can trust. She is trying to be strong and follow her instincts. She'll follow the path she feels is right, in spite of everyone.

Reception

Guess who finally got a job after hunting for a month? Yep that would be me! I wanted receptionist work, and I got an answering service. My job is to take messages for various clients. Its hectic work, but I don't mind. At least I'm getting paid.

In other news:

I got a letter from social services today. They want me to take my idiot half brother's kids, the same guy that I have a restraining order against! I don't want those horrid children in my house or my life. They practically destroyed my parents' house, ruined the carpet and tearing holes in the walls! Their sperm donor is a whole other story! The rat bastard threatened to kill me, multiple times. He is evil incarnate, and those people want me to take his spawn?! I think not. I'm halfway tempted to go down to the office and demand that they take my name from his file. I want him out of my life forever, I never wanted him in it!

Racist fucking pig! He's part Lakota and he's a white supremacist? Yeh it confused me too.  Oh how I wish he's just go away, rot or something! Anything!!!

Atonement of Sins

Last night I over heard Mum and Dad talking. She was saying something about me not listening to her when I was a teenager. I had -sin of all sins- called an adult by their first name! Oh the horror! She said that she couldn't believe I'd chosen them over her. I mean really... I was grounded for two weeks because of that. I think I paid for my sin. Now I realize that while she says she forgives, she doesn't really. I get called a bad Christian because of my unwillingness to be around people that I know are gossiping and being unloving, the last a command from Jesus that we are to obey. "You haven't forgiven them, Alki, until you do, you'll never be a Christian."

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! She's the one who's not forgiven anyone! She keeps bringing up all the times that others have hurt her. The fact that she doesn't forget is also unchristian, means she's "keeping an account of the injury". DUH, good Christians aren't supposed to do that.

I can't believe that after all this time, she's still holding that sin over my head. There is no way that I can atone for it either. I already punish myself more then is necessary, what more does she want? Because of the events of last night, I'm not eating this morning. Maybe that could atone? But alas no... nothing will work.

Batman and Me

I spent the afternoon reading about a half dozen Batman graphic novels. I thought it was an afternoon well spent. I rather enjoy reading Batman comics, the legacy of Batman. Tortured hero stories are always something I'm a sucker for. Instead of becoming the monster who forced his pain on others, Bruce Wayne channels that into a different avenue. Saving lives instead of taking them. Sure, he's a moody bastard but he's still a hero.

I know I may be reading too much into it, but I can't help it. Batman will always be my favourite hero, probably because he isn't "super" at all. Clever and strong, yes. But he has no super powers like, say Superman (whom I consider to be an aloof boyscout.). I know Batman can be violent, but he's never killed anyone, not even Joker!

Wow... something tells me I'm really am reading far too much into this. Night all!!

Haven of Peace -poem-

Safe haven? Where?

I've been hunting for my safe haven.
A place where I can be free,
a place where the sun smiles
upon my weary shoulders
and kisses me.

Running from the city
of filth and dirt,
I found a place far from
where I used to be,
far from all the hurt.

Going all through the night,
I stopped by a river bed
longing for a peace
that I fear I'll never see,
nor feel in my head.

If this is the place
where I can finally die
then so let it be.
I am at peace
no need to worry or cry.