Bad Day

This was one hell of a day. I got to work, had to finish a half dozen jobs that no one else finished. I also had to water all the house plants, four large tables worth, because it wouldn't be done unless I did it and I'm off for the next two days. I was late going to lunch and got chewed for it.

That was the last straw for me, I could handle how angry I was. I'm a good hard worker and I have to tell customers that "Oh I'm sorry I can't help you anymore, I have to go to lunch." I'm not like that! I got so angry, so near to loosing my control that I felt the only way for me to gain that balance and find a release was to injure. I burned twice, not bad but I still did it. There are two red welts where the matches touched me. I've been drinking, adding Kaluah to my coffee. I haven't eaten yet, not sure that I want to and I've cut.

I feel like I'm on autopilot flying towards self destruct. This day sucked.

Books, Dissociation And Crazies

So I finished reading Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami. I enjoyed it. There are two stories going at once and the suspense of seeing how they converge is agonizing. Murakami isn't an author for everyone and certainly has some outlandish stories. Personally I think his books are incredibly beautiful and poignant. I'm reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers, an autobiography. So far its pretty entertaining in the way its written... and I haven't gotten out of the Prologue yet.

I'm in a chat room right now as I write this. The topic for this morning is dissociation. Though calling that the official topic is a bit of a stretch, it is a chat room after all. The topic changes as often as a premadonna changes her clothes. Keeping in mind that the chat room is full of people who have or currently do self injure, most of us have dissociated from time to time. I personally hate it when I do. I loose control of myself at times, forgetting where I am or what's real and what's a dream. I've injured while in such states and its not good for  me. I don't use the usual control methods. I've cut a little too deep, or too many times. The first time I burned I was only partly aware it was me doing it.

I don't like feeling like I'm not in control. All my life I've been told how I must be, who I must be. Now that I am an adult, I tell myself how to be and act. When I dissociate then I loose those carefully laid walls of protection, for myself and others. I don't know what I'll do, but I am fully aware what I am capable of and its unpleasant.  In a dissociative state, I beat the hell out of a kid who'd pissed me off. Of course I wasn't looking so hot after either, but still. I don't remember the fight. I remember hitting him once then being deposited in the hall and being called a crazy bitch. I know how he looked after and I don't want to hurt people. Its bad enough that I hurt myself. Why should others suffer my pain?

Sometime I wonder, all right often I wonder where this pain all came from. I was never raped as a kid, I was never beaten by my parents. I had a happy childhood. There were emotions that I never learned to handle, but that shouldn't have made me like this, should it?? I don't know, I'm so broken that I don't know what I'm supposed to be any more.

People joke about me being the crazy girl, the laughing girl. If they only knew that I was merely protecting myself from them, from my own mind, would they still be laughing with me?

Testing

Testing to see if this works.

It does. Sent from mobile

Moving and Change

I think I might have to move soon, within a year or two. My half brother will find a way to hurt me once the restraining order has run its course and I don't want to be anywhere near him when it does. I wish he had never come into my life, I wish he'd fall under a damned bus!

I may have to change my name before I leave, just to make it harder for him to find me. Change my facebook page so that only my real friends know who I am . Leave everyone behind and  start over. I don't know where I'd go, but I'll find someplace. I'm clever, I can make my way.

Its 11.44pm on a Sunday and I'm wide awake. Normally, I'd be ready to sleep by now. I would take sleeping pills but I did that last night and I don't want to grow dependent on those damnable things. I close tomorrow night so I don't have to be awake at any particular time.

I have been dying for a burn, jonesin' for it for some time. I'm urgy, I'm stressed, I'm tired. Not a great combination. I hope that moving helps in some small way.

Stupid, Stupid

I was resetting the shelves where the ceramic pots are at work. They had a new plan-o-gram and needed to be set to reflect it. While I was working I found this shard of a pot that had an edge to it. I'd been urgy all day and frustrated and angry. Stupid stupid woman that I am, I cut my hand with it. A neat row of four scratches all about an inch long. I could easily blame it on the pot and working, which explained the blood on my hand when my department supervisor asked me about it.

I had a great day yesterday worrying about it looking infected! Idiot that I am, it was dirty tool and could have really gotten infected had I not kept cleaning it yesterday. It still stings. I feel so stupid right now, so much like a failure. I don't even know where the idea of cutting myself with a ceramic shard even came from. I'd been urgy and it was a tool, a pathetic means to an end. As punishment for being stupid, I want to burn myself. See, this is how my vicious little circle starts, and I hate myself for it.

Haruki Murakami Reading Challenge

I am a huge fan of Murakami-sama. In the past, I've read a few of his books, including After Dark and The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. So when I happened on a page that was encouraging everyone to read at least one of his books this year, I figured it sounded like fun. I'm already reading Kafka On The Shore, though I started reading this before I heard about the challenge. Oh well, I'll read it anyway. Another part of the challenge is to attempt to read all Murakami books available in your language. I have in my possession nine books of his, so this ought to be fun!

I know I started this blog as my journey through self harm and it still is, though reading is a great distraction. You get transported into the world of someone else and see things through their eyes. I've been reading forever and still find joy in it. Just finished Interred With Their Bones by Jennifer Lee Carrell. It was amazing! Using four-hundred-year-old clues to find a lost play of Shakespear, with people trying to kill you all the way! Loved it!

If you want to join the discover of Haruki Murakami, here's a link to the blog page.
Murakami Reading Challenge