Self love always sounds so foreign to me. I try. I try to do little things to care for myself, but it always seems so selfish and hypocritical. How can I take myself out to a coffee shop when I really hate myself?
I've lived most of my life thinking that the only important thing to be was smart. That is measurable, you can take a test and prove that you have a certain level of intelligence. Pretty? Talented? Whatever. Everything I do comes out wrong. Everything I say seems to come out worse! I just really do not like myself and its so hard to change my mind.
There's a song by Blue October called "Hate Me". Part of the lyric mentions 'suicidal hate'. I so understand that feeling, and I really wish I didn't. My friends keep trying to change my mind, to convince me that I'm worthy of love, of care, of loving myself. Really I just hate looking in the mirror.
If any one of my friends were to talk about themselves the way I talk about myself, I'd do my best to put a stop to it, to remind them of how great they are, to love them. And they do the same with me... I'm just so far away that I can't hear it anymore, if I ever did.
No comments:
Post a Comment