Never Fear

So I went to karaoke this evening. I wanted to test if I was the anomaly when it comes to drunks. But this is Valentine's day so that means people are in fancy restaurants with their loves. That means no one wants to spend the holiday in a pizza joint. Any way... the point is there were no drunks. Seriously I think the group of people I hang out with are the problem, they engage and seemingly encourage the drunks. Its like they want the attention, I don't.

My mother was afraid for me, she didn't feel comfortable with my going alone. Now if I would have told her that there would be a group, she would have been fine with it. She fears so much and pushes those fears on me. I've been called a great many things, but fearful has never been one of them! I refuse to be counted among that lot.

I have never been afraid of a man, nor a woman. There are a several things that I've been called: bitch, crazy, maniac. Never fearful and never stupid. Now I may be crazy and a maniac at times, but I refuse to live in fear of going out my own front door.

Seriously??

I went to fix the coffee for Mum and Dad, so they just have to turn on the pot tomorrow. In the pantry, I noticed a slip cover from the anime I just purchased. There are only two ways that it could have gotten there. Either I put it there, or my mother did. I'm sure it was in my ROOM this morning. Either that or the trash. So my mother had taken it out of the trash and put it on the pantry shelf. (The garbage is nearby. Its the pantry/laundry/etc.) Either way, she took it with the intention of having a little chat with me about how she feels its objectionable.

Lets male one thing very clear right here and right now. I am going to be THIRTY YEARS OLD in July. Thirty! She seriously cannot be doing this anymore. I hate that she watches B-rated sci-fi flicks, I find them annoying, and often vulgar. Add to it that they always make women seem to be idiots and you have a film I hate. I don't go badgering her!

To avoid the issue, I took it back and have every intention of disposing of it away from my house! Its so stupid that I have to do this. She already made me throw away Live Free or Die Hard. She didn't like that words and phrases such as "son of a bitch", "damnit", and "bastard" were in it. Its not like it was every word or anything. Beside, I am an adult. I can make decisions for myself. Now I have to hide things.

I'm now concerned that she will read my journal. The handwriting is terrible but there is a possibility that the odd phrase could be discerned. This is a risk I am unwilling to take. So... I will have to hide my journal. I don't worry about the computer. Its password protected and she's tech stupid anyway.

If I'm very lucky, she won't remember where she put it and will be unwilling to ask me anything about it. It'll just vanish and the anime will not be easily found so she won't be able to check the spine of the disc. I seriously hope that I don't have to start locking my damned door again.

This set me off. I've been fighting back the Fury and the Abyss for weeks. Now? Now I just want to give in and injure. I seriously have been trying hard, but the last few weeks have been hard to handle for so many reasons.

I don't feel good enough, like I'm not the person I should be. That I should be happy, there isn't too much fucked up with my life. But the depression never goes away and things like this just push me so close the edge. I want to harm and be done with it. I know full well it won't help, not in the long run, but that isn't important to me right now. At this moment, I want to feel semi-stable.

I really did not need this. Thanks, Mum...

Assertive vs Bitchy

What is it about me? There must be something that makes freaks and drunks think that I am willing to be touched or talked to. So here's what happened: I went karaoke with some friends handed my songs to the KJ (karaoke jocky). A drunk was "dancing", if the moves he was making could be mistaken for dance, and kept backing into me. Thinking he didn't see me, I pushed his back *between the shoulder blades and no where near his ass* to let him know I was there. His response? Oh to come closer of course! I pushed again. Third time? That isn't a charm, its a "I will kick your sorry back side from here to the curb!" I shoved him away from me, pressing my fist into his back hard. That was the clue he needed.

Next, I had finished singing my first song, one that I am rather good at, thank you very much, and I received some adoration from another drunk. "You were really great, I love that song and you were amazing," he tells me. I thank him, trying to twist out of his awkward side hug. "No, I mean it,you were great!" I look him in the eye, "Thank you, now stop touching me." He backs away, apologizing for trying to be nice.

This is what amazes me. When a man says 'no' or 'back off', he is being assertive. When a woman does the same thing, she is called a bitch. When she tried to be polite and then has enough of a man's advances and tells him in clear English to back off, she's called a tease or a tart. WHY IS THIS OK?!?!

I really am getting sick and tired of being told that I need to be nice and whatever only to have some drunk ass bastard start thinking that I am being a flirt. Honestly, I do not engage the drunks, ever! They have lost all ability to think clearly thanks to the effects of alcohol. Apparently, my ignoring them is considered a challenge, one that far too many are all too willing to take on. When I make is abundantly clear that I have no desire to be touched, I'm called a bitch and made out to be an unfriendly woman.

I'm nice, I'm friendly! I just have zero tolerance for stupidity and drunks.

The whole thing made me so angry. Beyond angry, I was ready to slam my fist into the next person that laid a finger on me. Instead, I went to the bathroom, made sure I was alone, and slammed my left fist into the wall. Now my knuckles are bruised.

I love hanging out with my friends, even if it is in a situation that I find difficult. I find this is good practice for me to maintain my cool and not bloody panic. Sometimes, I even have fun. But seriously? It would be awesome if the drunks would leave me the hell alone and not think of me as a challenge.

While I'm thinking about it... why don't my friends ever seem to come to my rescue as I do them? I'm always alone. Always. 

The Brain is Messed Up Organ

I don't want to be awake. I'd rather be sleeping and not having to think about anything. Not about how my failures as a daughter, as a person, as anything. I have zero motivation. There are so many things that need to be done. I have to finish: Two cross stitch patterns, a knit shawl, handful of books. I also need to get jewelry made to sell in my etsy shop. Zero traffic in the shop. Mostly because I have not the faintest idea of what I'm doing. I can make it, but I'm having a hard time selling.

I'm never going to be good enough for anything am I? Certainly, not good enough for my own standards. Damn it. DAMN IT!

Fighting the urge to injure right now, I want to, if for no other reason then to make the emotions tangible. I'm wanting to sleep and forget. I have some alcohol but no sleeping pills, which I suppose is good thing. I don't see Doc for another week. Joy... I just hate that I even think this way. "Just one injury, just one cut or burn and I'll be all right." But I won't be. I cut the other day on my leg. It hurts more there than on my arm. I can't believe I'm analyzing this. More pain here then there... the brain is seriously a messed up organ. 

New Year-- Start 2014

I never really put much stock in the new year celebrations. I honestly do not care because the new year is always just as crappy as the last one was, so why bother getting excited? People enter the next year with new hopes and resolutions. Its no big thing. Most folks will fail at their resolutions anyway and hopes will be dashed to pieces.

Sure call me a cruel hearted cynic, but I'm an honest cruel hearted cynic.

Broken Rule

My mother has degenerative disc disease. Basically, her spine is collapsing on itself. For the past two weeks, she has had the worst cough and that is wreaking havoc on her back. She's in so much pain. I wish there was something that I could do, but nothing. I can try to keep her comfortable, but there isn't much to do.

I feel so damned bloody useless.

If I could take her pain away, I would. I'd carry it myself if that was possible. Since it isn't, I am stuck feeling too much. I'm sorry... I broke one of my rules. Shot of whiskey with a pill, muscle relaxer in this case. Now, I'm starting to feel blissfully numb to anything and sleepy.

"To die, to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." --Hamlet, act 3, scene 1, lines 64 thru 66.

(For the record, no, I am not suicidal.)

What's the Hatter With Me?

I'm feeling a bit manic today. I can't keep still, I have to move something. My hands are shaky, a foot is tapping to nothing and not in beat with the music on the iPod. I went to bed upset, though I don't know why. Took everything I had not to scream my lungs out. Right now, I want to scream until my throat is raw. I want to cut until I'm a mess. The stinging would set me straight, at least a little bit right? Right?? No...? Oh well.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but its like I'm trying to crawl out of my skin. The sudden thought of throwing a rock through my bedroom wall came to me and now I'm having a hard time getting that out of my head along with the thoughts of harming. Oh the joy!

I have worship in about an hour, at least that's when I leave for it. Like this? Of course. By the time I get there I may even appear to be normal. I know I'm going to have to injure to get that done though. I'm too flipping out right now.

Did you ever see Johnny Depp as the Hatter? I feel that way, everyplace at once and only lucid when absolutely necessary. "What's the hatter with me?" Yep, crazy as a deaf bat in the nighttime! WOOHOO!