Moving On

I am my mother's fourth child and my father's first. My older siblings were never around when I was a child. As a result of such, I have grown up with the mentality of a first born child. I view myself as the oldest. I have done all the things that an older child is expected to do. Namely, to make a success of my life and be a reasonably responsible human being. My mother's second husband (first died of heart failure) was an abusive bastard. He beat my mother and raped my half-sister. All of my siblings have been abused in one way or another throughout their lives. I, however, have not. I had a relatively safe childhood, though I never was what one could call "happy".

Having mentioned this to my mother, she says that I haven't gotten past the survivor's guilt that I feel. As a matter of fact, I have, but she won't fully let me move on. I have to remember that I am the survivor, that my siblings will always hate me for that. I guess that might be part of the reasons I'm an injurer. God, I am so confused and fucked in the head.