Showing posts with label distraction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distraction. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2014
Photograph Day 2
So there a bit of tragic news the other day. A little boy from my congregation died, tragic doesn't describe... not even close. I decided to go to the park and take some photos instead of thinking on the whole thing. He died Saturday, I went to the park on Sunday. No self harm on Sunday's, its a rule. Photos? A walk? Absolutely! So here we go again...
Autumn Red. I love autumn, its my favourite season and far too short, but the colours are amaing.
Gazebo at the top of the hill in the park. Lovely views and good place for a bit of quiet reflection.
Paths that can lead anywhere and nowhere at all.
Black and white angle experiment. I'm holding the camera against the tree's trunk and looking up.
Sun through the changing leaves.
Another angle experiment. The camera is about an inch off the ground.
Asters, like mums, bloom late in the summer and into the autumn. The flowers will remain until the first hard frost.
Photograph Day
Sierra meadow.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Dear Body
So I saw this video ( Dear Body by Laura Lejeune ) and I thought I might make my own attempt at it, of course through words and not a video. No web cam and the built in camera on my computer is rubbish. Besides, it feels weird for me talk to myself out loud. As a writer, I tend to have monologues or stories playing out in my head all the time. So here goes, an open letter to my body.
Dear Body,
Overall, you're all right. You're nice and tall, which hides the fact you're chubby. Of course, being tall makes it hard to find jeans. I love your hair, its length isn't too long or short. Its shiny and straight, and very soft. I don't have you coloured often, but when I do I always choose aubourn. It looks lovely that colour and everyone seems to like to it.
Teeth... oh my, I'm very sorry for all the coffee. Your a tad stained, but not too bad. I've tried to keep you clean, but you've a few cavities anyway. For the most part you look good and you're nice and straight and you make for a lovely smile... when I actually do smile. Your eyes are lovely and quiet expressive. A dark brown that I use to communicate because often the words I need fail me.
I love your legs, so long and beautiful, though I keep you covered often. Being in the sun so often, I don't want you to get burned by it. I am sorry though, for the scars. There aren't too many and they aren't terrible looking, but I am sorry. Your arms have a sort of clumsy grace, long and beautiful like your legs but constantly bumping into things. The scars that mar your surface are things that I truly apologize for, more so because I know there will be more in the future.
Body, I do love you, though I don't treat you with the respect you deserve. Thanks for holding me up.
Dear Body,
Overall, you're all right. You're nice and tall, which hides the fact you're chubby. Of course, being tall makes it hard to find jeans. I love your hair, its length isn't too long or short. Its shiny and straight, and very soft. I don't have you coloured often, but when I do I always choose aubourn. It looks lovely that colour and everyone seems to like to it.
Teeth... oh my, I'm very sorry for all the coffee. Your a tad stained, but not too bad. I've tried to keep you clean, but you've a few cavities anyway. For the most part you look good and you're nice and straight and you make for a lovely smile... when I actually do smile. Your eyes are lovely and quiet expressive. A dark brown that I use to communicate because often the words I need fail me.
I love your legs, so long and beautiful, though I keep you covered often. Being in the sun so often, I don't want you to get burned by it. I am sorry though, for the scars. There aren't too many and they aren't terrible looking, but I am sorry. Your arms have a sort of clumsy grace, long and beautiful like your legs but constantly bumping into things. The scars that mar your surface are things that I truly apologize for, more so because I know there will be more in the future.
Body, I do love you, though I don't treat you with the respect you deserve. Thanks for holding me up.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Reward For Hard Work
On Monday, it will be one month since my injury. It hasn't been easy and yesterday especially I wanted to because it was such a stressful day. People at work were all nasty and mean, I had a headache and was stressing out. I wanted to get into my car and light a match. I resisted, blared the radio and came home. If I can make it to Monday, then I can buy two new books in my favourite manga series, Fullmetal Alchemist.
I've been watching the anime and I have been enjoying the story again. Its funny how something so simple can make me calm.
I've been watching the anime and I have been enjoying the story again. Its funny how something so simple can make me calm.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Assignment
I wrote last time that my therapist sent me with a homework assignment. First to free write on anger then to write a letter to self harm. The free write on anger is proving difficult and I think I'll write poetry without rules instead. Anyway the letter is done and I wanted to post it here as well.
Dear Self Injury,
It would be easy to say that I don't like you, even that I hate you, but I find it difficult to hate one that has been of such help to me. You've made it easier for me to handle problems that I didn't have the ability to cope with, emotions that were too difficult for me to handle. Times when I felt numb, you've been there to let me feel something tangible. When I've felt too much, you've given me only pain to focus on.
Hitting, you've been a constant companion for over a decade. You never leave a lasting mark, only a change of colours. Your effect doesn't last as long, but you're always around when I need you most. I'm afraid of using you sometimes because I don't want to cause any lasting damage. A broken bone is hard to explain, bruises are easier.
You've been with me a long time as well, Cutting. I've used your services when I need to calm down, when I feel a failure, or that I am not enough for anyone. Your sting is just enough to keep me from loosing myself, from becoming numb. In some way, I'm glad that you're there when I need you, but you've left me with scars. I can't wear shirts shorter then my elbows now.
Its funny how we don't realize that something is self harm until much later. I'm not sure when it started but Scratching or Picking my skin has become as common as Bruising. I don't realize I'm using you until I have bled and the deed is done. I have noticed that I pick when I'm anxious. You're the sneaky one, you come onto my skin of your own accord, uninvited. Often I don't realize how much damage has been done until its too late. You've left your marks on my hands.
Finally, Burning. You have left me with the most damage, you're also the youngest. I'm glad that you don't show up too terribly often. The problem is that you're too good, you feel too good. The pain you give me to focus on isn't like any of the others. The high lasts for hours and the pain can continue for days. The scars, though, though are highly visible, yet no one has ever noticed them.
Self harm, you have twisted my mind and warped my thoughts to the point that anything and everything can become a tool, a weapon to kill the emotional pain. You've become like a gang land ally. I have to pay a price for your help and its not always the help I need. Certainly not the safest way to cope with my problems. In a way, I feel you've lied to me. You promised to make me feel better. I guess I should have read the fine print where you said that it wouldn't be permanent.
Sometimes I feel as if I've become a can of soup, you know, labeled. I have come to think of myself as a Harmer or an Injurer first and a writer second. I know all the thinks I am; clever, intelligent, talented, grounded. Every time I turn to you, though, everything melts away and I am merely an Injurer or a method, cutter, burner, scratcher.
I hate how you have become like a drug to me, like heroin. If I injure enough, I'll calm down and sink into oblivion. If I'm really lucky, I'll sleep without dreaming, without the nightmares that have plagued me for some time. I blame you those partly. The more stressed I get, the further I try to go without you, the more difficult the nightmares become. Some mornings, I wake and want to go straight to you to make the start better then with me stressed out and edgy. Self Injury, you've been a helpful friend, but, like every friend I've had, you can't be trusted. I want to live my life without you, but I'm not sure I'm ready that I can. You have infiltrated my life like a Cold War double agent.
There has to be a way for us to part ways, one day. I know that I'm strong because I bear much weight on my shoulders. I know that we can separate, its going to take time and help, but I'll move forward and live my life without you.
Right now, I feel weak and feeble because I rely too much on you. It has to stop. You're not good enough for me. This parting is going to be long and bittersweet, but it has to happen.
Most Sincerely,
R-
Dear Self Injury,
It would be easy to say that I don't like you, even that I hate you, but I find it difficult to hate one that has been of such help to me. You've made it easier for me to handle problems that I didn't have the ability to cope with, emotions that were too difficult for me to handle. Times when I felt numb, you've been there to let me feel something tangible. When I've felt too much, you've given me only pain to focus on.
Hitting, you've been a constant companion for over a decade. You never leave a lasting mark, only a change of colours. Your effect doesn't last as long, but you're always around when I need you most. I'm afraid of using you sometimes because I don't want to cause any lasting damage. A broken bone is hard to explain, bruises are easier.
You've been with me a long time as well, Cutting. I've used your services when I need to calm down, when I feel a failure, or that I am not enough for anyone. Your sting is just enough to keep me from loosing myself, from becoming numb. In some way, I'm glad that you're there when I need you, but you've left me with scars. I can't wear shirts shorter then my elbows now.
Its funny how we don't realize that something is self harm until much later. I'm not sure when it started but Scratching or Picking my skin has become as common as Bruising. I don't realize I'm using you until I have bled and the deed is done. I have noticed that I pick when I'm anxious. You're the sneaky one, you come onto my skin of your own accord, uninvited. Often I don't realize how much damage has been done until its too late. You've left your marks on my hands.
Finally, Burning. You have left me with the most damage, you're also the youngest. I'm glad that you don't show up too terribly often. The problem is that you're too good, you feel too good. The pain you give me to focus on isn't like any of the others. The high lasts for hours and the pain can continue for days. The scars, though, though are highly visible, yet no one has ever noticed them.
Self harm, you have twisted my mind and warped my thoughts to the point that anything and everything can become a tool, a weapon to kill the emotional pain. You've become like a gang land ally. I have to pay a price for your help and its not always the help I need. Certainly not the safest way to cope with my problems. In a way, I feel you've lied to me. You promised to make me feel better. I guess I should have read the fine print where you said that it wouldn't be permanent.
Sometimes I feel as if I've become a can of soup, you know, labeled. I have come to think of myself as a Harmer or an Injurer first and a writer second. I know all the thinks I am; clever, intelligent, talented, grounded. Every time I turn to you, though, everything melts away and I am merely an Injurer or a method, cutter, burner, scratcher.
I hate how you have become like a drug to me, like heroin. If I injure enough, I'll calm down and sink into oblivion. If I'm really lucky, I'll sleep without dreaming, without the nightmares that have plagued me for some time. I blame you those partly. The more stressed I get, the further I try to go without you, the more difficult the nightmares become. Some mornings, I wake and want to go straight to you to make the start better then with me stressed out and edgy. Self Injury, you've been a helpful friend, but, like every friend I've had, you can't be trusted. I want to live my life without you, but I'm not sure I'm ready that I can. You have infiltrated my life like a Cold War double agent.
There has to be a way for us to part ways, one day. I know that I'm strong because I bear much weight on my shoulders. I know that we can separate, its going to take time and help, but I'll move forward and live my life without you.
Right now, I feel weak and feeble because I rely too much on you. It has to stop. You're not good enough for me. This parting is going to be long and bittersweet, but it has to happen.
Most Sincerely,
R-
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The Pay Off of Distractions
All right, so we all know I'm an injurer and injurers, when in a bad place, must have a distraction. Keeping the fingers busy on something else while in the middle of a battle with ourselves is really in the best interest. Every injurer that I know has at least one distraction, usually more then just one. Mine include some of the more popular ones such as knitting and writing. I also like to cross stitch. I finally finished one that I started in 2004. In my defense, I set it aside for several years and only recently picked it up again. Well, the work is now finished and I want to share it with everyone. Well, I would like to, but it appears the image is too large for this blog.
Its a geisha holding two fans while standing on a grassy hill under a tree. Mom loves it and wants to have it framed.
Its a geisha holding two fans while standing on a grassy hill under a tree. Mom loves it and wants to have it framed.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
SIAD
Been a while since I've last been on here. Been a rough go of late. More and more, I am wanting to leave this place. The stresses that are here alone are bad enough to haunt my dreams. The nightmares are as bad as ever. I have been cutting again, but that's nothing new. Last week, I was so stressed at work, I cut in the restroom.
I've been so shaky I missed March 1st, Self Injury Awareness Day. One of these days, I'm going to tie orange string or ribbon to the trees down town. I'd like to use to ribbon so I can write S.I.A.D on them. Every year I say I'm going to do that and every year I forget till its too late.
Been feeling all shaky and cagey these last few days. Last night was bad as they come. I unexpectedly saw a self harmer on the telly and it really sent me for a trip. I was shaky all afternoon. It wasn't pleasant, I can tell you. I need to distract myself again.
I've been so shaky I missed March 1st, Self Injury Awareness Day. One of these days, I'm going to tie orange string or ribbon to the trees down town. I'd like to use to ribbon so I can write S.I.A.D on them. Every year I say I'm going to do that and every year I forget till its too late.
Been feeling all shaky and cagey these last few days. Last night was bad as they come. I unexpectedly saw a self harmer on the telly and it really sent me for a trip. I was shaky all afternoon. It wasn't pleasant, I can tell you. I need to distract myself again.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Haruki Murakami Reading Challenge
I am a huge fan of Murakami-sama. In the past, I've read a few of his books, including After Dark and The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. So when I happened on a page that was encouraging everyone to read at least one of his books this year, I figured it sounded like fun. I'm already reading Kafka On The Shore, though I started reading this before I heard about the challenge. Oh well, I'll read it anyway. Another part of the challenge is to attempt to read all Murakami books available in your language. I have in my possession nine books of his, so this ought to be fun!
I know I started this blog as my journey through self harm and it still is, though reading is a great distraction. You get transported into the world of someone else and see things through their eyes. I've been reading forever and still find joy in it. Just finished Interred With Their Bones by Jennifer Lee Carrell. It was amazing! Using four-hundred-year-old clues to find a lost play of Shakespear, with people trying to kill you all the way! Loved it!
If you want to join the discover of Haruki Murakami, here's a link to the blog page.
Murakami Reading Challenge
I know I started this blog as my journey through self harm and it still is, though reading is a great distraction. You get transported into the world of someone else and see things through their eyes. I've been reading forever and still find joy in it. Just finished Interred With Their Bones by Jennifer Lee Carrell. It was amazing! Using four-hundred-year-old clues to find a lost play of Shakespear, with people trying to kill you all the way! Loved it!
If you want to join the discover of Haruki Murakami, here's a link to the blog page.
Murakami Reading Challenge
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