So last Friday, I had an extra session with Doc. Along the conversation she said, "I don't know how you handle that must frustration all the time." I think her statement was rhetorical, either way I told her exactly how. I pulled up my 3/4 sleeves past the elbow and showed her a fresh burn and a couple week old cuts. "That... That is how I deal with the frustration!"
It was a flair of dramatics, something I am not prone to and that I felt the need to apologize for today. Her response was good. She was actually proud of the progress I've made. When I first started seeing her, I wouldn't say a thing about self harm even though I sought her out because of her work with it. I would talk in circles, I still do, its just not as bad.
Its not easy, carrying this with me every day. I'm tired, exhausted. I feel that there should be an end, but it seems to be going on forever. I don't feel that I have made any progress, though Doc disagrees. The secret I'm carrying seems so all-encompassing, so enormous.
Great, now I'm feeling that old foe, Depression, tugging at me with his buddies, Shame and Guilt. Screw it... I'm going to bed soon. I'll deal with this mess my life has become tomorrow.
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