Frozen

So I've finally seen the animated film everyone is singing to, Disney's Frozen. I must say that I was impressed. Lately, Disney has been just one major disappointment, but this wasn't bad. Its also the first of Disney's films that deals with depression, something that I heartily applaud.

TG had me over and we watched it. I can completely identify with Elsa, for many reasons. She keeps her pain to herself and doesn't let others into her thoughts or heart. To protect the person she loves most, she makes sure that there is no way she can be hurt by either her force or her pain. I get it. I do the same thing.

I don't cry in front of people; I hide my emotions under jokes, sarcasm, or bravado. The problem is that I see I do this and still make that a habit. TG is amazing, on two occasions she has just let me cry a little, didn't push me to talk about it. "Did you want to tell me?" That's how she asks, if I want to, no pressure. I love her for that. I should tell her more often.

I also understand Elsa feeling numb. "Conceal, don't feel." Shove emotion into a bottle and leave it there until you explode and create an everlasting winter. Sure, we've all been there, right? Ok maybe not turning the village and surrounding areas into winter wonderland, but we've all gotten to a point in which we either crumble into ourselves or explode.

I'm trying to not explode and send ice crystals all over the place, trying to keep myself together. I'm fighting, fighting... fighting. There has to be a moment in which I see the end, isn't there?

Lately, I've been feeling as if this darkness is trying to drag me into an abyss again. Its getting harder and harder to survive. There are more forced days, days in which everything is an effort. This week I had two days that I had to force myself through every motion, hells I even had to remind myself to breathe. In... out. In... out. An annoying mantra. "Remember, you still have to breathe."

Time, that's what I need. Time to heal and try to recover. I'll be 30 in a month... Thirty. And I'm still doing this?