Well that last post was about as vague as it gets. I was in California attending a convention that would start the next day. I was already stressing out and getting edgy. The next day, I had an anxiety attack that lasted about an eternity in 30 minutes. It was great...
On to the next bit of news. TG is my friend, I love her. I'll defend her and protect her as best I can, when I can. I feel like I'm lying to her every time she asks me how I'm doing. I haven't told her about my harming, that may never a topic a broach. Still, I feel badly that a person that has become such a part of my life is someone I lie to almost daily. We text all the time, spend hours at a time together. We're friends, sisters in every way that matters.
As if I don't feel guilty enough about hurting myself, add to that the guilt of lying by omission and I feel horrid every time I see her. I felt the same with Nightengale.
"How are you?" -- Great! Perfectly fine, I didn't burn today. (note: that was sarcasm) What an ass am I! What do I do? The thought of telling her makes me feel sick because I don't know if she'll tell anyone, like her husband. He's one of these that will go to elders if he feels you need the help. Sure, I need help. Why do you think I'm in therapy? TG loves her husband and he has this freakish ability to see right through a person. He's even managed to do that with me and it was damned terrifying. No one can do that with me, I'm too good at hiding.
If I tell TG, she may or may not tell her husband, either way he's going to know something is wrong. And I can't burden her with this. Its not fair. Not fair to her, I can't do that to her, put her in the middle. So I'll deal with the guilt and keep my secret.
No comments:
Post a Comment