Unhappy

I've been made full time at my job, which is both good and bad. I'm glad to get the extra hours and the insurance is better, but I don't like feeling like I have lost what little control I have. I'm neither thrilled nor upset about this. I'm bland and neutral.

My mom was disappointed when I wasn't more happy about the promotion. "I'm so sorry that you aren't a happy person," she said and was trying not to cry. I wrote her a note saying pretty much the following:

I don't know why I'm unhappy, though I can't really remember a time when I was completely happy without having this shadow of darkness hovering over every little thing I do. I don't know when it started or how, but I really noticed when I was about thirteen. I know it's not her fault and I refuse to lay blame on her. Whatever the hell is wrong with me, its all me. Something is broken in me somewhere. I want to be happy, but it never lasts.

I told her that I'm seriously thinking about going to therapy. Maybe some outside help is what I need. I've been fighting these feelings on my own for a very long time and look where it got me. Nothing but pain and fucked up addictions. Something has got to give.