I've been an injurer since the age of thirteen. At the time I thought hitting myself or banging my wrists was an acceptable way to vent anger and feelings of failure. Now I know it was the start of an emotional roller coaster laced with distrust of almost every soul I meet. As I got older, the methods I chose changed and became bolder. Now I cut or burn when the emotions are too much for me, especially the anger.
Right now, I'm in a particularly bad time. My half brother betrayed my family, after all the things we did for him and all the money we spent on him. I have a restraining order, but he is trying his damnedest to get it dissolved. The bastard thinks that he can't get Section 8 housing with a restraining order. He can, I called and checked.
Lately, I've been cutting again, as it faster then burning and less risk of infection. I want to burn, just to take this edge off. I'm not sleeping well again, having night mares.It's like when I was eighteen and losing my mind. I'm seeing shadows move. I'm afraid I'll hear the music boxes again. They used to play in my head, several at once and all different tunes. To this day, I cannot stand the sound of them. My head is splitting, such a head ache today... Its from the lack of sleep, I'm sure.
This year, when my insurance starts, I'm thinking about seeking therapy. The nightmares and the cutting and the burning are getting to be too much. I don't how that will work out and just thinking about it scares me. I've never been to a therapist or shrink of any kind for self injury and the like. I know my internet support network will be so thrilled.
No comments:
Post a Comment