Numb

I'm feeling numb. Cut last night and again this morning to feel something. If I'm not feeling numb, I'm feeling depressed, which is close to the same thing. Feeling lost, alone. I feel as if the love I have for people needs validation. I tell my parents I love them and they ask, "What are you up to?"

I just want to curl in bed and forget the world today. I'm so fed up with everything.

I went over the same place too many times when I cut, which I don't do normally. Now its deeper then the usual superficial cuts, so I have to watch it carefully today. God, I'm so stupid. Can't I be irresponcible and play hooky from work today?

NO MEDS!

Therapy on Tuesday did not go well for me. She seemed almost insistent that instead of starting with therapy, we should start with meds. "Its about your quality of life. Did you want to feel better, or just okay?" That was the cincher, I'm not going back. I'll find someone else. I did not want therapy to get zombified on antidepressants! If the situation warrants it, then yes I may have to consider meds, but I don't want to start with medication then use therapy. Seems bass-akwards to me.

So, I'll try a different therapist. Damn, as if calling the first time wasn't hard enough.

Quidam

My father bought tickets for the two of us to see this Cirque Du Soleil show. I have always wanted to see a Cirque show live, even planning to take a trip to Las Vegas to enjoy one. Well today, Quidam came here. The tickets have been sitting on the television since February. I can close my eyes and still see it, see the acts, hear the music. Feel the story.

There is one act, the silks, that always makes my heart ache. The woman wraps herself in the silk completely, she looks wrapped in a womb-- a rebirth to a new life. But it doesn't seem to be the one she wants. She's sad and seemingly trying desperately to be that pure heart once more. I feel like that. Lonely, depressed, lost, and forgotten. She seems to be clinging to life, the silks, until she is forced to be a person without hope, being carried off stage. That act always makes me want to cry.

I've decided to watch Alegria, another Cirque show that I have on dvd. I want that story.

Therapy on Tuesday.

Therapy

So I have made an appointment to see a therapist in April. Honestly, I'm a little frightened. I've never been to therapy before and do not know what to expect. I know that this is what I need, however.

Monday was horrid. I was beside myself, I was so stressed out. People were asking me how I was and all I said was "fine" and kept going. I don't recall doing much of anything then trying to not burst into tears and go on an Elizabethan tyraid. One of my co-workers said yesterday that I had a look in my eye that had her more then a little worried. I know the look she's speaking of. Its that wild eyed look of a mad woman. I've seen it myself, many times and it still freaks me out. Between Monday and yesterday, Wednesday, I have cut my arm and burned twice. Its rare I burn more then once in a month. Twice in a single week is bad for me.

What never ceases to surprise me, though, is that no one ever sees the burns. I make no effort to hide them. Some of the scars are pink, a few are purple, many have faded, but no one seems to notice them at all. Maybe I'm lucky because I wouldn't know what to say any how.

In The Chair

So I finally took the plunge and called a therapist. I called yesterday and left a message on the voice mail. Tomorrow is Monday, so I might get a call. If not, I'll call again and see. I think its time. I've mentioned going to therapy for some time. The last time I thought of doing this, I chickened out before and didn't go. Of course I also gave a false name so... Anyway.

So if they call, I could be having an appointment with a shrink soon. I've been told by other friends of mine, people who injure, that its best to talk if you feel comfortable with the counselor. Also that its best if I have a plan on what I want to talk about. I think I'll start with just the depression and the nightmares first. The injury will come later.

That has been getting worse of late. I have a half dozen fresh scratches. I'm tired. So damned tired.

Butterfly Project

I tried the "Butterfly Project" idea. You draw a butterfly on your arm, or where ever you injure. Your goal is to not injure until the butterfly fades away, otherwise you'll kill the butterfly. I have drawn one on my left wrist where I will see it all the time.

Today royally sucked! Every time I turned round, there was something pushing me into this oblivion. All I wanted to do today was either slap somebody or cut my arm. This is just a bad damned day. I'm doing all the damned work of the bloody supervisor and not getting the bloody pay! I wouldn't mind it so much if I was being paid better.

I'm trying, I really am.I just want to curl up some days and sleep this crap away! That isn't possible though. Not by a long shot

SIAD

Been a while since I've last been on here. Been a rough go of late. More and more, I am wanting to leave this place. The stresses that are here alone are bad enough to haunt my dreams. The nightmares are as bad as ever. I have been cutting again, but that's nothing new. Last week, I was so stressed at work, I cut in the restroom.

I've been so shaky I missed March 1st, Self Injury Awareness Day. One of these days, I'm going to tie orange string or ribbon to the trees down town. I'd like to use to ribbon so I can write S.I.A.D on them. Every year I say I'm going to do that and every year I forget till its too late.

Been feeling all shaky and cagey these last few days. Last night was bad as they come. I unexpectedly saw a self harmer on the telly and it really sent me for a trip. I was shaky all afternoon. It wasn't pleasant, I can tell you. I need to distract myself again.