Quiet Time

I've been awake since about nine this morning, late for me. I'm usually up at around 7.30. I studied my Watchtower and did the Bible reading for the week, for which I must have either silence or classical music. I went with silence today because I could not be bothered to mess with the music. Once finished with study, I picked up a book. Girl, Interrupted by Suzanna Kaysen. Its November, after all. I always seem to read this book in November and about once a year. Started it this morning and already almost through. I find satisfaction in being able to read a book in a day.

Back to the quiet time. I'm not sure how I'm feeling today and just want to be quiet for a once. I want to curl in a comfy chair and read and forget that there is Black Friday coming, that I will have almost no sleep before that day. My shift on Thanksgiving ends at 6.30 in the evening. The next day, if it can be called that, starts at 1.30 in the morning. Less then eight hour's turn around. I guess I am taking the quiet now while I can get it.

I think a part of me is worried about my next therapy session. I have to tell her what my goals for therapy are. She wants to know if and what I hope to accomplish in the time I spend with her. I want to feel free to trust people, to be okay with failure and to have better coping skills. I want to feel safe in the quiet again, without things going off in my head. Lately, I've noticed that I'm having difficulty with patterns, namely a striped shirt that my father wears. Its dark green and white stripes, thin stripes. They seem to bend and twist in an unnatural sort of way and it bugs the hell out of me. I see those stripes and my skin crawls. Its like hearing a music box, another thing I associate with being crazy. I wish he wouldn't wear that shirt.

I wonder if I will ever find a quiet place in my head that I can enjoy whenever I want. I'm tired, exhausted of living up to the expectations that others have forced upon me. I want to find that quiet and be pleased. I have those moments, usually when I am studying Scripture. Maybe that is the trick to it all. Shift my focus, instead of seeking what is inside--namely a dark expanse that I am unfamiliar with-- I should focus on Scripture and worship. Inner peace. Isn't that what we all seek?