Black Or Not

I've noticed a startling trend in my wardrobe. I'll make myself not wear black t-shirts. I use black to hide the blood after I injure. To keep myself from injuring and from being discovered, I'll wear shirts that aren't black. Last night, I managed to by pass my own rule by injuring before a shower. By the time I was finished, the cuts had stopped bleeding. Since they weren't too deep this is hardly surprising.

My internal debate comes from my thoughts of whether or not to tell my therapist. She knows I injure but not the methods I use. Its easier for me to write things then say them. Next session is on Friday.

I'm getting headaches every time I go to work. My headaches are stress triggered, so guess what? My job isn't exactly conducive to recovery in any way, yet I have to stay. I can't the medical benefits anywhere else. I may even be forced to sacrifice my Sundays. I worship all day on Sunday, but they are trying to tell me that I have to be free to work all the time, that they are only obligated to offer time off for the service itself, not my habit of going in the field ministry and Bible study after. Its an "all day" thing! They just refuse to understand that. If I have to, I'll get a lawyer!

I am just so fed up with everything!! I'm feeling numb. I want to cut again, as I had last night. I want to burn because there is no blood to hide.