So I finished reading Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami. I enjoyed it. There are two stories going at once and the suspense of seeing how they converge is agonizing. Murakami isn't an author for everyone and certainly has some outlandish stories. Personally I think his books are incredibly beautiful and poignant. I'm reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers, an autobiography. So far its pretty entertaining in the way its written... and I haven't gotten out of the Prologue yet.
I'm in a chat room right now as I write this. The topic for this morning is dissociation. Though calling that the official topic is a bit of a stretch, it is a chat room after all. The topic changes as often as a premadonna changes her clothes. Keeping in mind that the chat room is full of people who have or currently do self injure, most of us have dissociated from time to time. I personally hate it when I do. I loose control of myself at times, forgetting where I am or what's real and what's a dream. I've injured while in such states and its not good for me. I don't use the usual control methods. I've cut a little too deep, or too many times. The first time I burned I was only partly aware it was me doing it.
I don't like feeling like I'm not in control. All my life I've been told how I must be, who I must be. Now that I am an adult, I tell myself how to be and act. When I dissociate then I loose those carefully laid walls of protection, for myself and others. I don't know what I'll do, but I am fully aware what I am capable of and its unpleasant. In a dissociative state, I beat the hell out of a kid who'd pissed me off. Of course I wasn't looking so hot after either, but still. I don't remember the fight. I remember hitting him once then being deposited in the hall and being called a crazy bitch. I know how he looked after and I don't want to hurt people. Its bad enough that I hurt myself. Why should others suffer my pain?
Sometime I wonder, all right often I wonder where this pain all came from. I was never raped as a kid, I was never beaten by my parents. I had a happy childhood. There were emotions that I never learned to handle, but that shouldn't have made me like this, should it?? I don't know, I'm so broken that I don't know what I'm supposed to be any more.
People joke about me being the crazy girl, the laughing girl. If they only knew that I was merely protecting myself from them, from my own mind, would they still be laughing with me?
A large part of what and who we come to be is due to genetics. The other part is our raising; our influences and experiences. Perhaps you subconsciously push down the experiences that influenced you to desperation, or perhaps you're simply "this way," because of some genetic structure.
ReplyDeleteEither way, you can't do it by yourself--which I saw you realized due to the therapy thing. Which is great! =D
Personally, I don't think we're "supposed," to be anything. We are what we are due to complete happenstance.
Disassociation is no joke. I've experienced this several times, but due to LSD and its after-effects. So I had complete (ignoring the severe paranoia) control over my perception and actions. If you experience this due to blood loss, that's bad; but, if you experience this occasionally without external stimuli, you should really seek medical attention. This is a symptom of schizophrenia and its subgenres--and probably some other mental illnesses (since LSD can bring dormant schizophrenia to life--and my mother was crazy as shit when I was a kid--I did some research).
I don't know if blood loss can cause disassociation, but logic tells me it's probable. Take care of yourself, k?
TTYL
-Neurosis Of The Heart-