I Don't Even Know

I'm not even sure how I'm feeling tonight. Numb, I suppose is the best answer. I want to injure, but that isn't a good idea. Why injure? Because I feel numb and tired and need to feel something!

I told TG about the PTSD diagnosis. She was lovely when I asked her if I could call her when I feel panicked. While she doesn't know about the self harming, or at least I've never told her, she does know about the depression and now the PTSD. I'm a bit edgy about that, though I know its only a diagnosis and not a sentence.

In an earlier post, I believe I rant for a while about my nightmares. If not, here's a bit of my thought process: The  nightmares don't make sense. I dream that I'm bound in some way: tied to a chair, locked in a room, hanging from a ceiling. And I'm being tortured for information that I either do or do not have. I've been beaten, electrocuted, tasered, and burned with cigars/cigarettes in my nightmares.

With the diagnosis of PTSD, the nightmares make sense. Its an emotion that connects them all, feeling trapped against my will. Being hyper-vigilant in crowds, or even at the mall or grocers, makes perfect sense when you add in the PTSD. Before I couldn't make a logical connection to the nightmares. But when I connect my past and the trauma of it all then it works. Its a relief in a way.

I'm edgy and tired and going to bed soon. I'll worry about work later and the season ending.