Say "Stop"

This was the advice that Doc gave me Tuesday. When I start the track of negative thinking, tell myself "no stop". I've been, as I always do, trying to practice what she preaches. She did warn me that it will be damned annoying at first but it will help in the long run. Mostly, I think, because I am being more aware of my thoughts and the process that motivates my self harming.

She's right, its annoying! Do you have any idea how many times I have had to tell myself to stop that thinking today? Do you? No I'm serious. I lost count!  Its incredible how often I think that way. Incredible, frightening, sad... pathetic.

My last therapy appointment was not easy. I suppose that's the point. If its easy, is it worth it? Anything that is worth keeping is worth fighting for. I want to live, not just survive, that means that I need to fight for it. I told her that I'd injured the day before, that it was two weeks since my last injury. Felt like an AA meeting. "Hi, my Alcatraz and I'm an injurer. Its been two weeks since my last injury." Or maybe confession. I'm not Catholic, in case you were wondering.

I notice that I shake my head when I tell myself stop. It must be interesting to see, some woman shake her head to some voice only she can hear. I'm always to angry, all the time! Angry and exhausted. For being so angry, I suppose I deserve to be punished for it *stop*. No, I deserve to be listened to, because the anger is often because people don't listen to me. Woah, Doc would be pleased, I'm sure. That's the type of thing she is trying to get me to do.