Disjointed

I'm worried that I'm not seeing any true progress. I've been going to therapy for over a year now and not much seems to be any different. Of course, only going every other week doesn't help. I see her again tomorrow and I'll ask about progress. I need better coping skills.

Last night was hard on me. All I wanted to do was injure. I had no real reason, just that I could not deal with feeling the way that I did. I felt all disjointed and not really connected to the world in general and myself in particular. My hands don't feel like they are truly mine, but slightly off kilter. I want to cut now just to feel something solid. I could risk it, I know I could. No one is paying attention to me, few do.

But what would it accomplish? Nothing really. Sure I'd feel 'together' for a while but then the guilt would set into me. I'm so tired of all this, all this topsy turvy shit going on in my head. Its hard for me to even close my eyes without feeling like I'm about to blow away.  There has to be something better to do, there has to be...