One of Those Damned Days

I was trying to leave my neighbourhood this morning to run to town. Guess what? I drove over a damned big ass rock that managed to pierce a hole in my fuel tank. A friend of mine asked if I ran over kryptonite. I love that fact that she is geeky enough to ask me that. One of the few smiles today.

Since I have no money to fix it, I had to borrow from Dad. He's had a bad day at work so I didn't help at all. I waited in a bookstore that had wi-fi. All day, five hours! I'm pissed off, grumpy, urgy...

I want alcohol and sleeping pills. I don't want to think any more and I don't care how I achieve it. I want to self harm because I'm angry. Why the hell do these things keep happening to me?

Does it really matter?

I have no insurance and therefore cannot afford therapy. Of course once I do have private insurance, I also cannot afford therapy. Email to my therapist what I've found for health care and that its still not affordable and she replies, "Its a flawed system". No shit, Sherlock. Of course she isn't on the receiving end of the shit storm! She has health care, and the money to afford whatever the hell she needs. At $170 a session before insurance and "sliding scale" no wonder. Of course whatever she doesn't get directly in cash that day, the insurance reimburses to the point that she only has her office open to the psychos like me for three days in the work week.

I shouldn't be angry with Dr B, its not her fault. She's trying to help in her own way. She is a prisoner to the system just as much as I am. She can only do so much whilst my hands are tied completely.

I'm angry, pissed off, fucking furious and there is not a bloody thing I can do about any of it. Sure, I can injure, like I did last night. Doesn't help, none of it helps. I could change my injury spot again, new pain... No, doesn't help forever. Numb in the skin and pain in the brain. What a way to go. I close my eyes to try and calm myself, to not see that my life is nothing but a waste most of the time. My parents are disappointed in me because I can't move out and leave them alone. I have few friends and none of which I would ever tell my darkest secret. I have virtually no support.

I. Am. Alone.

I feel it every day I breathe, every night I try to dream. Part of me is so close to saying "fuck it" and giving up. But what of the other part? Too subbourne to die, to give in, to leave. I'm screaming in my head, I'm begging to be heard, but on one seems to hear me. Maybe I'm not loud enough, maybe none of them care, maybe maybe maybe... Does any of it really matter? Do I?

Screwed Up Little Brain

I have a job that is going well. I don't hate my manager, I have great hours that allow me to have a regular schedule for both sleeping and eating. I can read on my down time (there's a lot of that), I can write, play a game... whatever. There is actual income again!

My sleep is regular and there haven't been as many nightmares. There are fewer "forced days". Yet, why do I still want to cut? Nothing is pissing me off, nothing seems to be out of sorts, with the rather noticeable exception of my mother, but there's no getting rid of that. Why do I feel the need to hurt myself when things are going well, or relatively well?

Feeling like I'm broken, damaged, useless.

Noticed

So I was at worship this evening and a young man, who has expressed an interest in me, asked if I changed my hair again. I'd dyed it auburn red a few weeks back and he was the first one to notice it. To night? "Nope, same colour, just faded." I must say that I do appreciate he bothers to notice. "Sagan" isn't exactly my type. He's very kind, geeky (insert smile here), but I'm not attracted to him at all. When he asked if I would go out with him, I told him no, told him that I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I wouldn't mind a friend though.

You see I'm a geek and would like to have someone that I can have "geek speak" with. He knows who The Doctor is and I don't have to explain it! He's seen Firefly. While I'm more of a scy-fy/comic book geek, Sagan is more into science in general, hence the name I gave him.

In a time when I'm being berated and belittled for every damn thing, its nice to be noticed, even its just my hair colour.

Job Hunt Over

I just got hired as an assistant to the park manager where I live. I'll be answering phones, showing lease properties, and so on. So after being out of workfor three weeks, I finally have work! But guess what my mother said? "Don't blow this."

God... really? That is what she's going with? She has no faith in me and that is incredibly disherartening. I thought she would believe in me at least a little bit. Guess not. I'm angry with her, pissed off! If only she knew what her loathing did to me.

Is a Little Support So Much To Ask?

I went to a job fair yesterday at a local community college. They were talking about apprenticeships for women in a male dominated field. For instance, electrician, sheet metal worker, pipe fitter, machinist are all fields in which most of the workers are men. There's a demand for women in these fields and I was interested in machinist.

Coming home, I told mom how it went and what I was interested in. Its a paid apprenticeship, which is nice, because they pay for the classes. I need to do a little research first, but it looks like I may apply for classes.

What does my mother ask however? "Well, why didn't you look into this when I told you to years ago?" My response was that I was unsure of what to take and didn't want to waste my parents' money. "About time you listened. You're almost 30." Thanks mom... really. (insert eye roll here)

Invalid

That's how I feel all the time, as if all my emotions mean nothing to anyone. I finally told my parents that I feel as if my emotions aren't valid to them. They deftly changed the subject and made me sound "too prideful". Sure, I have a sense of pride, everyone does. I can't tolerate stupidity too well, this reflects because I cannot stop myself from saying something.

I'm just so sick and tired of feeling as if I am not good enough to have any emotion other then "happy happy joy joy". I want to scream at them, "SHUT UP!" But that won't do any good. They don't listen anyway. I just have to suck it up, deal with it.

I'm dying for a blade, a match... I don't care, I just don't want to deal with this right now. I want to take sleeping pills so I don't have to dream, so I don't have to think. I'm so sick of it all!! I don' know how much longer I can do this, act like a good little girl when all I want to do is scream and fight. Instead, I sit and listen to people I love tell me that I'm not good enough. I have to allow them to tell me that they love me on conditions. I have to hear as they say that they won't allow me to "be abusive" verbally or otherwise, when I did nothing to warrant that. If anything I am the one who has to deal with all the emotional crap they throw on me every single day.

So... I sit and listen and wait until I'm alone long enough to "cope".