Lost Time

I mentioned this to Doctor B at our last session. The last few days I've lost track of time, I've been ahead of myself. For instance, if the clock reads three in the afternoon I'd be convinced its seven in the evening. Then I shut down in a way. Kind of like leaving your computer on and the screen saver goes? Like that. People would have to say something for me to pop back awake again. Its rather disconcerting.

The lost time makes me edgy and need something to hold myself in place. Usually this means injuring, which is exactly what I've done. Several times. I have four fresh sets of cuts as of today. I really want to burn, but feel like I should hold off, that I have to. There are far too many marks on my arms as it is, but I seem to crave it more when I shouldn't. Doc has told me that I should try allowing myself to cry more often, that the release of emotions would be better for me. She's right, of course, but my problem is that I seem unable to cry when I need to the most. Its troubling.

I'm having trouble sleeping again and that is probably adding to everything. I wonder if I should ask for sleep aides? No, best not. Most are addictive and I'll forget to take them anyhow. I was also thinking that letting my T read my blog may offer some insights since I am more free with my thoughts as a writer then a talker. I'll ask about it with some friends of mine that have had similar situations and get their input.

Well, There You Have It

So the other day, my parents and I went to a fast food restaurant to see my niece, nephew, and sister-in-law. In short, it was an ungodly racket. The kids whined or screamed the entire time. Their mother just let them and offered no discipline whatsoever. Personally, I don't want to have anything to do with that lot anymore. I have absolutely no patience for that sort of thing. None.

What really pissed me off though was the information that Red gave us. Apparently, Yoda was in hospital for appendicitis! He had one of his buddies navigate to the communication lines to get a message to his estranged wife. He did not, however, bother to let Dad know. Keep in mind that my father is far easier to contact because he actually has a phone! I was furious! How dare he treat my parents that way. He doesn't love them and doesn't want to have anything to do with them. Its just... GAH!!! I just cannot believe that he would abuse their trust and kindness like that.

Mom now says that she only has one child, me. I am the only one that hasn't treated my parents like shit and  abused them. I have never broken their hearts nor been a major disappointment. For this, they are willing to buy me a simple home. I don't want them too, but a mobile home isn't too much. :)

As for me, I will have nothing more to do with him. Oh wait! I haven't had anything to do with him for quite some time. All the bridges have been burned and there is no rebuilding. I've already tried to mend the relationship, I tried for years to no avail. I'm too damned old and too damned tired to deal with his bipolar bull shit. 

Edgy Day

So I'm sitting in my favourite coffee shop and I'm feeling damned edgy. I want to fucking scream and shout and injure and I have no concrete reason as to why. I'm freaking out in my head and I can't understand why. Maybe its the stress of having so much going on right now. I don't know. I need to find a new job. Been applying to all sorts of places today, I'd do more, but guess who left the house without her USB stick? Yeah that would be me... Fuck.

I swear there cannot possibly be more ways in which this week can get worse. I really shouldn't say that, Murphy and his Law are sick bastards. I'm feeling exhausted and annoyed. I slept last night and woke to a screaming alarm clock that I silenced quickly by smacking it. Came close to smacking my cactus too. I just want to crawl away and fade. Its like I'm feeling too much and not enough all at once. Its a terrible feeling. Flying down the highway but feeling like you aren't moving at all.

I have set an appointment with Dr B for this Friday. This time, I'm not telling my family that I'm in therapy. They, especially my mother, don't seem to understand why I need it, but then I haven't explained either. I'm just not in the mood to explain myself. Well that isn't exactly true. I did explain once and was ignored. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. I'm not a Timelord and have no ability to go back in time and fix what is broken, so I'll just do the best I can and move on, as I always have.

I feel so alone in this fight. I'm doing the best I can to keep my mind on straight, but that just seems to make problems worse. I can't possibly do what every one expects of me. I'm tired and weak and annoyed and screaming in my head whilst lying to the world with a smile on face and skip in my step. Lying to the world... that's me. I'm falling back into poor sleeping habits, poor eating habits... when I remember to eat in the first place.

I need to remember to pick up some more matches, I'm almost out and I have some fucking sick attachment to my tools. Such a dirty fool I feel. Foolish foolish... Oh who the hell cares.

Bad Week

Sometimes I wonder if everything I do is even worth anything. I have the hardest time just keep up my blogs, let alone a true life. I make mistakes and mine tend to be monumental fuck ups with horrid ramifications. For instance, I was scammed this week and basically gave away $2000 worth of the company's money. I don't want to go into details on the how because I don't want some mook to go about and scam some one else. Needless to say, I was rather surprised to still be employed. I was, however, written up and demoted. I can feel that I am on a very small tether and its being slowly cut from under me.

To add to it, my parents have expressed that they feel I should move out because they don't want to worry about me being able to live on my own. I know I can, that I could make a success of it. The issue is money. I haven't got any to spare. If I get state aide then its possible, but there are so many people who are waiting. I'd also need food stamps. My head starts to ache just thinking about it.

On one hand I would love to live on my own. I wouldn't have to worry about walking in my own house wearing a tank top, there would be no one to see my scars. No one would make comments such as "Did you play chicken with a cigarette, again?" Yes, my father has asked that, I usually ignore him. There was talk of my moving into the camper. That's fine with me, its big enough for one and my books. Dad worries about my living it though, emptying the tanks and such. I'd rather an apartment simply because it doesn't move with every damned step and its definitely big enough for all these books. But then we come back to how the bloody hell am I going to pay for it?

I'm getting edgy now, I feel like I need to injure. I'm stressing out about moving, strike that... I'm stressing about paying for it. I'm stressing about work. I feel like they are going to fire me. I just can't deal with that right now... I can't. 

Bad Week

This has been a bad week for me. I've burned once and cut twice. I want to do it again because I can't seem to calm down. I'm urgy, I want to go deeper. Being told I'm not good enough and that I need to be calm and happy doesn't help me. I know what I need but there isn't a smart way to go about it. I want to injure, to make the scream in my head go away. There comes a time when you have to give up, to let a part of yourself go forever. But I'm not ready to die, not yet.

Oh My Head

I have the worst headache right now. I want it to go away and, God help me, I have the worst idea of how to get rid of it. I know, logically, that hurting myself will not make the headache go away. But part of me wants to try. That thought is making me ill and desperate at the same time. It feels like my eye ball is trying to pop out of my damned head. There has to be some logical reason, there really has to be. I need there to be. Otherwise I'm going insane.

Steampunk

Well, I was invited by a friend of mine to attend a steampunk convention next year, if we can swing it. So I thought I should best get ideas together for an ensemble. I was thinking of going as what I do best. I'm a writer, I could make a costume that incorporates pens, paper, ink. I was thinking of taking some blank index cards, dying them with tea to age them and adding information to them like the old card catalogs from libraries. Of course I'm going to make them  fake, books that have never been published, namely mine. :) I plan on fanning them to a hat.

Because I don't want to wear a dress, I'm thinking of drover pants, you can see them in old Western movies, cowboys wore them before denim. I could take boots with laces and put gears at the eyelets. I'm thinking of a bolero vest and maybe a light weight coat, long one. The jewelry is easy, I can make that in my sleep. I don't know, just seems like something fun.   

It'd be interesting to see how the whole thing works, what will happen. And the good news is that I can also wear the outfit to Comic-Con.