Edgy Day

So I'm sitting in my favourite coffee shop and I'm feeling damned edgy. I want to fucking scream and shout and injure and I have no concrete reason as to why. I'm freaking out in my head and I can't understand why. Maybe its the stress of having so much going on right now. I don't know. I need to find a new job. Been applying to all sorts of places today, I'd do more, but guess who left the house without her USB stick? Yeah that would be me... Fuck.

I swear there cannot possibly be more ways in which this week can get worse. I really shouldn't say that, Murphy and his Law are sick bastards. I'm feeling exhausted and annoyed. I slept last night and woke to a screaming alarm clock that I silenced quickly by smacking it. Came close to smacking my cactus too. I just want to crawl away and fade. Its like I'm feeling too much and not enough all at once. Its a terrible feeling. Flying down the highway but feeling like you aren't moving at all.

I have set an appointment with Dr B for this Friday. This time, I'm not telling my family that I'm in therapy. They, especially my mother, don't seem to understand why I need it, but then I haven't explained either. I'm just not in the mood to explain myself. Well that isn't exactly true. I did explain once and was ignored. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. I'm not a Timelord and have no ability to go back in time and fix what is broken, so I'll just do the best I can and move on, as I always have.

I feel so alone in this fight. I'm doing the best I can to keep my mind on straight, but that just seems to make problems worse. I can't possibly do what every one expects of me. I'm tired and weak and annoyed and screaming in my head whilst lying to the world with a smile on face and skip in my step. Lying to the world... that's me. I'm falling back into poor sleeping habits, poor eating habits... when I remember to eat in the first place.

I need to remember to pick up some more matches, I'm almost out and I have some fucking sick attachment to my tools. Such a dirty fool I feel. Foolish foolish... Oh who the hell cares.