Unholy Shadows

All right for the last couple of days, I've been seeing shape and shadows flit about in my peripheral vision. I don't like it, it reminds me of my darker days when sleep was as illusive as a fairy god-mother. This doesn't bode well. It sets me on edge and makes me urgy to be perfectly honest. I recall seeing shadows move in unholy ways and thinking that mice and rats had infested my room, but that just wasn't true. And it isn't now.

I know what I think I'm seeing is fake, I know it isn't real. This is how I know that I'm not crazy. When you question, you aren't completely nuts yet. Once you accept this as "normal", you've gone round the bend, as they say. So that is how I know for sure that I don't need to be locked up, not yet anyway.

My problem is the reasoning behind it. Last time this happened, I was freaking right out of my head, going days without sleep, rarely eating, and so stressed out and fed up with life that I am incredibly surprised that I didn't off myself at eighteen. Its not nearly so bad this time round, but my question is why? Why am I seeing this? What's different?

I'm sleeping better these last few months then I have in the previous ten (?) years. I'm not sure how you'll think of getting five to seven hours sleep, but it used to be no more than four. I'm calling that an improvement. I just can't seem to see the reason behind the shadows. And to save you asking, I only just saw the optometrist (see the post I Hate November) and she said that my eyes were very healthy, with the exception of needing corrective lenses of course. I'm fairly sure its nothing to do with my physical eyes. Psychological? I'm not as certain.

How screwed up am I? The forever question seems to be ... why? Its always why?!!! Why do I harm? Why am I so depressed all the time? Why does every small mistake amplify into a failure? Why can I not simply accept that I am 'enough'? Always... always its 'why'. Three simple letters, one tiny word, but such a large meaning behind it.